Happy Birthday, Kak Jules!

Today is Jules' birthday... a year wiser! I wish for her day to be filled with lots of love, laughter and happiness. I'm sure El will continue in making her happier every year. They are a loving couple as the other 2 couples - Eddie & Mas and Ezy & Zaiton. I'd be happy to have half of what they have now in my marriage.

Happy Birthday, Dila!

Today is Dila's 20th birthday so Happy Birthdayyyyy!!!! Mann... I can't believe how much she has grown. Not that she looks her age. Much younger to be honest!

I remember when she was 4 years old - strangling my kittens - poor kittens!! Even the cats would run away whenever they see her coming. She used to get whatever she asked for... which totally irked me! I used to envy her.. seriously. Maybe cause I was the youngest and that she wasn't really my parents' daughter. I was young at that time, all I wanted was everyone's attention but after I turned 14 or 15, I began to understand why she was that way. She didn't get any attention at all at her own home. The second youngest brother got all the attention. So my parents gave her all the attention she deserved and so did my brothers. Then I began to show her the sisterly side of me. I showed it by bullying her a lot. Ahhh to be an older sister. What a bliss!!

Anyhow, we celebrated her birthday by taking her to Manhattan Fish Market. It was a good thing that we went there as I was in the mood for seafood. El, Jules and Dila arrived first so they ordered the lobster platter which consisted of mussels, calamaris, fish & chips, garlic rice and of course a huge lobster! Absolutely fabulous! I loovveee seafood!!

Now, I am not a big fan of mussels but the creamy sauce it was served in was simply delicious. I was asked to try the mussels but it was too much for me. I just couldn't take it. Dila was curious as to how mussels taste like so I forced her to try one. Seriously.. I forced her. She said it was nice and that I should give it a try. Yeah right. After all those crap she was telling me, I caved in and tried one. Let me just say that there ain't gonna be a next time! Oysters I can live with, mussels.. no thanks!

After all the seafood we ate, we were stuffed but I still had room for ice cream so we headed to Baskin-Robbins - I can't live without ice cream. I really can't!

Until The End of Time - Justin Timberlake

Woke up this morning
Heard the TV sayin' something
'Bout disaster in the world and
It made me wonder where I'm going
There's so much darkness in the world
But I see beauty left in you girl
And what you give me makes me know
That I'll be alright

Because if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Everybody sing
Everybody singing


No if you're ever wondering
About the way I'm feeling
Well baby girl there ain't no question
Just to be around you is a blessing
Sick and tired of trying to save the world
I just want to spend my time with you girl
And what you're giving me
Makes me know that we'll be alright.

Because if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Everybody sing
Everybody singing


This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say

Cause if your love was all I had
In this life
That would be enough
Until the end of time

This is a song by Justin Timberlake. I love this song! I can't get enough of it! Sexylove isn't a fan of JT's so I don't think you've heard of this.. unless it plays on your radio. *smile*

Missing and loving you lots... wonder when I will see your posts?

xxxx

So I was saying...

About changes...

It's just not the cellphone. As I mentioned earlier, Jimmy's last day so we're down to 3 staff so there will be slight changes - nothing Jace and I can't handle. We still have the other 3 jokers *smile* to help us out.

It seems that everyone around me is busy. Busier than I am so I'm planning to add more activities in my life. So here are the activities:

1. Tennis - There's a class for beginners at the SD Club so I'm signing up for that one. I don't think I'm a bad tennis player but it would be nice to learn how to play tennis - the right way.
2. Swimming - I'm thinking of doing this 3 times a week at the club. I need to tone and trim my body. I feel disgusted with the flabs - seriously! Gym has been out of the Q for quite some time due to the move and everything else.
3. Nieces - Wafi complains that I don't play with her whenever I am free. The thing is, whenever I am free - she wants to play house or whatever her creative mind can think of which most of the time, I'm not in the mood for. So the plan is to spend more time with them by.. taking them out! It'd be a win-win situation for us. I get to go out and they get to spend time with me.
4. Read - I have always loved reading books. Any genre works for me but I have been somewhat lazy. I went to Eddie's house the other day and saw a book that I thought was interesting - Sleeping Around - so I borrowed it and have only read the first 3 pages. I'm going to finish that one up and head over to the library for another book and will keep reading books till my eyes bleed. Really. I'm thinking... a book club in the near future.
   

So at the moment I only have 4 listed. I'm thinking cooking class as well but that can only be done on Tuesdays (my day off) but I have sssoooo many recipes from my late mother's collection that I don't think cooking class is required. I can read very well and measurements... I can always use the converter on my cellphone to help me out. So that's sorted out.

I mean... people don't have time for me.. so I should also make less time for them, right?

EDIT: Also, I am trying to cut down on caffeine. I went without caffeine for 4 whole days then Jace and I went to Pappa..... I caved in for their Iced Coffee!!!!! Aarggh!!! I'm sssoooo weak! But at least I am only having one cup of coffee a day rather than the usual 3 - 4 cups. Which is not the normal coffee you get from the 'mamak stall'. I'm talking about espresso, caramel latte, cappucino... seriously, I gotta stop! I don't want to end up looking older than my age!!!!

Not that the above is an activity but just something I would like to change! No more caffeine!

Changes and more...

My N71 is being a bitch! It's acting up and I don't like one bit of it! I almost threw the phone to the wall because it was so annoying last few days and wallpaper of my flip display did not turn up and it kept asking me to remove memory card... which is the most annoying thing about it. The thing with N series is that you have to constantly upgrade the software which is a drag for me as I don't have the time to go to the Nokia centre to get it done.

Then Eddie bought I-Phone!!!! Arrrrgghhhh!! It's awesome! So since he has his new I-Phone, I get to use his smartphone - Samsung SGH something. It's slim (to my liking) and kinda wide but it works very well (so far :P) and it's like using a computer, really. I have to get use to it. It's a bit confusing - can't find certain functions but I guess given time, I'll be using it well.

What's going to happen with my N71? Selling it off! I'm done with N series, in fact I'm done with Nokia for now!!

It's Jimmy's last day at work today so all of us had breakfast this morning. Met up with the rest at Pappa and had breakfast, took some pics and now here I am in the office. Will be leaving soon... I didn't get enough sleep. Dad and Eddie came home around 2ish from visiting my granduncle whose wife passed away last evening. It's another shock to all of us as it was just a few weeks ago that they came over to visit me and my father. Grandaunt was looking good - granduncle was the one that wasn't feeling too good but turned out, my grandaunt left first... it's funny how God works, hey?

Well, I'm off to play some cards with these outrageous people!

xoxo

Stages of Grief

I think about what happened on 22/12/07 often. I thought I have accepted my loss but I haven't. I am still in denial and at times, I feel so angry for what happened. I keep telling myself if only I spent more time with her or if only there were signs that she was leaving us, I would have stopped her from going - which was, of course, impossible. Then, I went into depression - didn't feel like talking to or seeing anyone -- sometimes I still feel that way. Those are what Kubler-Ross discovered - stages of grief. For me, personally, I don't see it as stages... more of a cycle of grief.

I have surfed on grieving and as everyone has told me - there are 5 stages of grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

How long will it take to get through all these stages? It depends on the individual but I can tell you that I am not anywhere near the 5th cause I keep going in circles!

Honestly, I'm really messed up. I'm in between denial and anger. I have bargained but what's the point of it? I bargained that if I was a lot better in every way that I was - I would have not lost my mother but that didn't make sense to me. Then I told myself - I should change myself to be an even better person so that I won't lose anyone else in the future - but death is not in my hands (unless I ended up being a serial killer -- okay, not funny). I don't think I am ready for whatever that may come so that means I am far from acceptance stage.

When I bring up my mother - some feel offended by it. Why? People grief in different ways. Some go for retail therapy, cry over and over again or some have sex. Really! As for me, it helps me to reach out for support from others. I find comfort in talking about my late mother - the memories I have of her. I tried almost everything from talking about her to keeping myself busy but I still feel greatly about my loss. So yes, it takes time but some people around me just don't get that. They don't get that I am not over it -- it is something I will never get over. It doesn't get easier! It is hard for me.

I mean... come on, how am I going to get through Ramadhan without her? How am I going to get through our birthdays?! Yes, I still have my father, siblings, BF and friends but it isn't the same because I share my birthday with her. Okay, not the same day but a day apart is hard enough already!

There was a time when I didn't want to talk about my late mother at all but that made me even more sad than better. Yes, I thought it would make feel better by not talking about her - oh boy! Was I wrong!!

With her gone, I feel cheated out of time. What will happen to all the things we planned to do together? It wouldn't be the same doing them with someone else. People will say "Oh please, it will be the same" -- you have no idea what you're talking about! It WILL NOT be the same.

Now I am getting angry and upset. It's just not fair!!! I see people out there who do not take good care of their parents but their parents are still around and still love their ungrateful children - yes I know what I am talking about here!

I need therapy!

Just another day?

I woke up feeling lost. I think I had a dream. I can't remember what it was about but I know it had something to do with food - which is not a good thing. Old folks tale is that it means that the dreamer is going to be extremely sick.

Ditto.

I was very quiet on the way to work which I don't think that's anything new to my father. Got to work and I already felt worse.

Jace came to work and we headed out for lunch. Didn't eat much although I was hungry. I didn't talk much although I felt like there is so much that I want to tell her but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I'm not sure why but the thought of being a burden to someone doesn't sound too appealing. I think that is one of the reasons why I don't tell anyone anything much.

Yes they offer their ears but you can tell the ones that just say it for the sake of being nice and those who actually mean it when they utter those words.

I'm not asking for pity. No one will understand my feelings, why I am feeling this way until you're in my shoes. Maybe you're the bigger and better person so you will have it easy... but not everyone is like you.

Depression

I've been having a rough a week - more so during the CNY break. I had my grandmother and relatives visiting for the week. Grandmother had hurtful things to say as to why we didn't bury my late mother in her hometown - why didn't we take my late mother's body to gram's place for people to pay their last respect etc - we had our reasons for doing what we did. Would we be able to visit my late mother if we buried her in Penang? No, we wouldn't be and we would all be very miserable. We are the ones that are the closest to her. The only thing I can think of why she's being that way or mean is because of how she treated my late mother and sisters. Not something that I would like to disclose but really, enough already with the drama and let it be. We have done the best we could for my late mother. Just stop with the nagging and putting us down especially my father. He does not deserve it even if you think he does.

This is all taking a toll on me. I have just been so down and still am. I feel so depressed. My grandaunt was admitted last Sunday. She was in the ER when my father and I arrived. It brought back painful memories - it felt as if I was there yet once again with my family around me - waiting for the news from the doctor. It felt claustrophobic. I couldn't breathe and it felt as if the walls were closing on me. I was fearful. I had to hold back my tears as I didn't want to make a scene and definitely didn't want to cry in front of my father and relatives.

I called my brothers and told them where I was. I told one of them how I felt - that I was missing mother and it was painful for me. The feedback I received was "Oh okay". Thanks. I called a few friends and none were available. I just wanted to talk to someone. I'm just different. I move on by talking about my fears. I move forward by talking about my late mother - how wonderful she was and everything else. I just wanted someone to talk to! Everyone says "just call me if you need to talk" - THAT'S FCUKING BS! That's what it is!

I feel so depressed that I browsed the Net for some info. I took a test online by a psychiatrist. Surprise surprise - I am going through major depression. I don't know what I am going to do about that. I really don't.

Apologize - One Republic

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize.... it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize.... it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new
I loved you with a fire red -
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize.... it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize.... it's too late

It's too late to apologize.... it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize.... it's too late
It's too late to apologize... yeah
I said it's too late to apologize... yeah
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...


One of the songs on repeat on my MP3 *smile*

- Babygirl

Cloverfield and more

I went to watch 'Cloverfield' yesterday afternoon. My brother's friend kept telling us how good the movie was - as good as LOTR - and that got me very interested so I decided to watch it on my day off.

First of all let me state that 'Cloverfield' is NOTHING like LOTR and it wasn't even close but it was good! I would watch it again but I might not because it is from a first person's perspective so it gives you a bit of a headache with the camera shaking and toppling!

The monster (like I told my friend, they should call it an 'alien' instead) is very alien-like. The ending was good - it left you wanting for more, well at least for me it did that. I thought there was more to it (not going to spoil you people) and when it ended I was like... "WTH?! That was it" - aahh but good movie nonetheless!

One or two actors would be familiar to some of you but the rest are pretty much either newcomers or maybe they are just not good looking people for me to notice in other movies they have acted in. Who knows.

I went to watch it alone and also, had lunch alone and everything else by myself. Do I sound pathetic? Do you think I care?!

Came home with a box of delicious but sinful cupcakes! I bought a dozen and ended up eating only one so brought the rest to Ezy's when we had dinner there.

I have noticed a lot lately whenever I am out that there is a lot of inter-racial marriages here. You don't get too many Malay ladies with White men - I think because White prefers Chinese or Indians but lately, I see a lot of Malay ladies with White guys. I saw a couple at a cafe near my office the other day - I can't say that they are good looking couple but their son is SOOO adorable! He's going to be a heartbreaker, that tiny one! He smiled at me and waved goodbye.... sigh - soooo cute!

Sandy is going to have beautiful babies when she marries Brian *smile*. I bet you're going to get married sooner than I am!!

Exhausting and annoying day...

Left home around 11am and reached HQ around 11:15am. Met Jace there, got the bills from Terence and left for the police station in Kota Damansara.

We were told that it was easier for them if we reported it in Malay - yeah, easy for you - hard for me! When it comes to formal Malay, I am soooo bad at it!! I can't form a full sentence and I can't say it full without sounding like a total retard! I am not proud of it although I do speak Malay well - not very well but people can understand my Malay but they will laugh. *frown*

During my typing out the report, the policeman in charge had a few Qs:

Policeman : Istella.... are you Malay?
Me : Yes, I am....
Policeman : Islam?
Me : Yeesss..... (with a puzzled look on my face)

Jace looked at me - with a screwed up look on her face. Didn't it state on my ID that I am both Malay and Islam?! Just because I don't look like one does not mean I am not one!!! Ggggrrr.... I get that all the time. ALL THE TIME!

So after we were done, we were told to go to Mutiara Damansara to see an Inspector who is charged of investigation so off we went!

We had to bloody wait for him - for about an hour! Jace and I entertained each other by acting out scenes of investigations and interrogations done in the movies. I told her if we ever needed to interrogate someone - I'd be the one throwing the chair around! I just love throwing things around. I can't afford to do that with my things cause... well, they are mine and expensive. LOL. Oh but I do remember the day my mother passed away, I got home from Penang and when I got into the shower - I couldn't take the damn lid off from my shower gel. I was so frustrated and also angry for what happened so I threw the shower gel bottle and it crashed! Felt really good afterward.

So after the Inspector came - which was a big Singh fella - friendly and well, funny. We were pretty scared of him when he made call to the man who was in charge of our cleaners at the office. All went well and our case is under investigation.

I will have to go over to Digi Centre tomorrow to discuss with them about the bill. I hope that won't take long!

An eventful day? NOT!

Work was quite hectic today but nothing out of the ordinary. We received call from HQ requesting us to be there on Mon at 11:30am. It turned out to be that they received our Digi phone bill and the amount came up to MYR400, all calls were made to Indonesia. Then we figured - it must have been the cleaner that took our company's cellphone during the when Jace was on vacation and I was on compassionate leave (which turned out to be the Company had no such thing - go figure!).

So over the phone we were asked "Who's going to pay for the bill?" - huh? Look, I for one - will not be paying any amount for calls I clearly did not make. If they asked us to pay, I'm gonna give them a check... a reality check!

Long awaited update...

Sandy has been bugging me to update my blog. I haven't been free lately to blog and honestly speaking, wasn't really in the mood the past few days/weeks but today, I thought maybe I should blog seeing that work is pretty much non-existent at the moment.

Yesterday was the 40th day of my mother's passing and we held a 'Tahlil' for her. My cousins came - something I really didn't expect. Wati told me about the last few days (especially the day of the wedding) that she got to spent with mum and how my late mother was glowing and so happy and all... that made me cry. Dila bawled like a baby after looking at some recent photos that was developed by another cousin of mine (dad's side). Apart from all the crying - everything went well and we'll have another one on the 100th day.

I cannot stop smiling since morning. I feel extremely happy. I feel like my heart is about to burst! I don't know if anyone can relate to that feeling but it's something really good. Something I wish everyone can experience at least once in their lifetime.

Oh I read on NST last night that Incubus is coming in March! I can't believe the best rock band ever (for me anyway) is coming our way for the second time. I still remember their first concert here few years back and I enjoyed myself to the fullest!!! It was a bit of a disappointment that they didn't play a few of their really good songs from older albums but it was still one hell of a night! I was going freaking ga-ga over Brandon Boyd and drooling over him at that time. Thinking about it now - it was really whacked up! Those were the days. I am thinking of going cause John Legend is performing as well but the thought of staying there the whole day - with all those local bands *barf* - not really my thing so we'll see.

Always and Forever

Basking in the warmth of your smile
And the music of your laugh
I feel your tenderness
And your oh so witty style

I don’t know why God blessed me
With such a wonderful man as you
But it makes my pleasure complete
And very happy too

The way you always know me
And exactly what to do
When my loneliness gets me down
And I’m so very blue
The way you see into my soul
And looked behind my eyes
And I don’t have to hide my feelings
And put on a disguise

With you I learned to trust
And as a person I have grown
Who could have possibly told me
How could I have known
That you would come in to my life
And my beauty would start to bloom
And like a pretty butterfly
Come out of my cocoon

To share your tender heart
The warmness of your smile
The courage of your wisdom
For these I’d walk for miles

To be thinking of a time
When you’d no longer be there
For me to gaze upon in delight
And all our feelings share
Is not acceptable to me
Because in my life
Is where I want you to be
Always and forever.

I am Officially Pissed Off!!!

I was told by Sandy that Noura smokes weed or used to smoke. Wow. Apparently, TJ the exBF was a great influence in her life. She stopped drinking a few years back and started again when she met TJ. Never did weed but tried and hooked on it when she got involved with TJ. So basically she threw her already messed up life away for an idiot who in the first place could care less about her well being. And she loves this guy.

I am pissed off because how can she throw her life away just like that? She may still be alive but still why get involve in something so stupid?? It's bad enough that she doesn't know how to take care of herself! She told Sandy that she's going for medical check up today and will be doing the abortion some other day. WTH?!

This is all beyond my comprehension and really, I am done worrying about her well being. I can't deal with people like Noura who is so effing messed up!!!

Mummy, we miss you dearly!

I went to visit you earlier, mum. I'm sure you know that, unless you were busy visiting other people *smile*.

I miss you more than I did the first day. There is so much I want to tell you and I miss having you around physically here with all of us. Remember how I used to crack you up with my silly remarks on things we see on TV? Or how we used to stare at fashion victims and giggle away? Aaahhh missed that lots!! Mum, my staff seems to think that I am funny and witty... where do they get that idea?!?

It's one month today and I still can't believe you're gone. I am still coping in my own ways. Oh I found your shawl - my favourite shawl. I was going out of my mind looking for it and daddy told me someone put it in the top drawer of the Ikea drawers. I am so happy someone found it and put it there and I wore it today when I visited you. I will always wear that piece. You liked it on me too. *smile*

Sandy wrote a beautiful piece about you on her blog and she says that you read our blogs... well, not too sure about that but if you do (I don't think you know I have one but being one of the cool people UP there, I suppose you're almost capable of anything?), I want you to know that I love you very much, mummy and I miss you soooo very much. I hope I have made you proud. Most of my friends still can't believe that you're gone and those who I bumped into recently, also daddy's and the brothers' friends when informed - can't stop telling us how amazing of a woman you were, mummy. Remember, you thought people didn't really like you...? well, I can tell and assure you that PEOPLE ADORE YOU TREMENDOUSLY!!! I had friends who wanted to swap their mothers with you, ingat tak??! You know I told them... HELL NO! *smile* Mum, is it okay for me to say "hell no"??

Oh Wafi can tell the time now! She showed on the clock what the time is etc and she has started learning how to read Arabic. I bet she'll finish the Al-Quran first than I do! LC is as smart as ever. She loves daddy's company. I'm happy with the way things turned out between daddy and Ezy but at the same time, it's sad that you are not around with us... and you know what I mean about that.

I wish I could have one last hug with you, mummy. I want that very bad. I miss you. I haven't cried for a few days and right now, I can't stop crying cause I miss you.... I miss you, mummy. Sometimes I feel like I need therapy because of how I feel. At times I am angry at you for leaving us behind but I know God loves you more than the rest of us and He wants you up there with him and then, thinking that - I would be happy but sad still cause I can't have you to hug, kiss and talk to. We had a lot to do - we planned so many things to do and now, they are just untouched memories.

Mummy, I feel in me that you loved all us of unconditionally... asking nothing in return. You always put us before you and we can't thank you enough. I am so sorry I didn't thank you enough when you were around on earth. Daddy is always talking about how good you treated him, always looked out for him, made sure he ate good healthy food.

I know you're looking after us from where you are.

I love you, mummy dearest.

You're one in a million.

I'd be lucky to be half the woman you were.
(Can't see that happening *smile*)

Love and miss you always,
Tya

Saving lives... drama of the day!

It's one month today - the passing of my late mother. I went to the grave with daddy and recited some prayers for her. Dad left about 15 mins later for a meeting and I stayed. It dawned upon me that come Eid Mubarak this year, it will only be the two of us. My brothers will probably be going back to their wives' hometowns while dad and I will probably spend it with his siblings. How fun....

After I 'talked' to mummy and cried my eyeballs out, I went to One Utama to meet up with Sandy. As always, she was late. LOL - actually I was way too early so I decided on my own that we catch a movie so I bought two tickets to 'Mad Money'. I had no idea what it was about but seeing that the cast consist of Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes - I thought it shouldn't be too shabby and boy was I right! It turned out to be a really good movie and we enjoyed it very much!!

After we were done with the movie, we had something to eat. I - as always - was hungry and - as always - 2 Libras together isn't good for you, let me tell you that! We were of no help to one another when it comes to decision-making!! I couldn't decide on what to eat and so couldn't Sandy (I wanted Nando's potato salad but the promo was over - so typical!!) so after rounds of "what do you want to eat - up to you whatever you want" - we ended up at Zoup.

The menu was impressive and then, I couldn't decide what to have so I ended up with Pasta Aglia E Olio and Detox juice which is made of Apple, Cucumber, Celery and Mint. Sandy had Pasta Carbonara and OJ.

My pasta was lousy. It is the simplest type of pasta a kid could make and it turned out lousy! How is that possible?! Sandy's Carbonara... don't even let me go there. It tasted like it was burned out! I may not be a good cook but I can cook. Heck! My brothers make really fantastic pasta sauces! After the food that we consumed, I definitely needed to detox!! The meal cost MYR47.something and it wasn't worth it. I wouldn't mind spending more elsewhere.

After the meal, Sandy wanted to take some pictures so we walked around. We needed some fresh air so we opted the outdoor of One U. I saw Starbucks and decided I could use some chocolate drink. So off we went to Starbucks and as always, I ended up with a cake and it was.. Rocky Road! It was okay, I have tried it before but it wasn't as good as the last one I had.

Something tells me - I'm hard to please lately... actually my BF told me that and I kinda see the truth in it lately! LOL.

We left One U around 5 cause Sandy had to be home to talk to her John-John (that sounds kinda wrong, doesn't it?! - lol) and I was pretty tired after all the walking and I was actually down from missing my mother.

So I got home and there were 2 tiny kittens on the road and it broke my heart to see them walking aimlessly. I contemplated whether to take them or not. I went home. I felt guilty and I talked to BF and he said take them if I wanted to, Sandy said I should and my heart... it told me to bloody take care of them already!! Sigh.

Why I contemplated was because I wasn't too sure if I could do it - taking care of them, feeding and cleaning them up as I am pretty lousy at that. Well, I babysit my nieces often but that's totally different - in my opinion anyway. Kittens are.... impossible to take care of especially without their mothers. When we had 2o over cats/kittens, my brothers took care of them. I was only 4 or 5 - what did I know except to play with and cradle them like they were my babies only I realised then I wasn't a cat.... if my religion believed in past lives, I would have been a cat - for sure! I love fish and people say I have cat eyes... go figure!

Anyway, I love animals. I love CATS! Period. I took those tiny kittens in. They were extremely noisy cause they were probably dying of hunger (such a drama queen, aren't I) so I prepared milk, took a new sponge and dipped it in the milk. Voila~! The kittens sucked on them like they've never sucked before!! I bet they haven't and I am very sure their stupid excuse of an owner threw them in the dumpster! They were in a box when I went to get them. I do not understand people like this. Why can't you bloody take them to PAWS or SPCA?! The least they could have done is let mummy cat feed those kittens until they are capable of being on their own and THEN give them away to the shelters. People like this piss me off BIG TIME!

I wiped them clean and now they look fresh. Fresh and clean. Hehe. I am taking them to SPCA with daddy tomorrow. I wish I could keep all three but with the way things are at the moment, we can't afford to have one. I am at work most of the time and dad is either at Ezy's or out with his friends so it isn't the right time yet but I so want a cat and I will definitely make that happen some time later.

I love rainy days!

I really do!! It's raining heavily right now and I wish I could just go outside and get myself wet! Just dancing in the rain and then get sick! Wooohoooo!!!

I am still quite stressful with Noura's situation. She's so friggin' stupid! I am not kidding you cause she has no idea what she wants to do with her baby and life. Okay yeah, she's going for abortion but is taking her own bloody sweet time about it!!!

How can one be so calm about things like this? First of all, how can one take such a big risk?!

Yeah you can tell I am trying out this font stuff...

- Babygirl

Just trying this out

Last weekend was pretty boring. Nothing much happened. Had dinner with Ezy, Zaiton, LC and dad. Food was lousy except for the Mushroom soup. Yummy.

So it's the beginning of the week. Tomorrow will be exactly one month after my mother's passing. Will be visiting her grave. Sandy is planning to sleep over cause she wants to go as well but it depends on John-John (I think).

I miss Sexylove... LOTS!!


xoxo

- Babygirl

Keep giving until it cost me my sanity....

This is in response to an entry by Sandy. Her entry reminded me of what I went through few years ago. I have only shared this with my late mother, BF and Sandy.

From I was a teenager, I have always been the one that friends call up to share their dissatisfactions, insecurities and what-not in their lives. I was also the one my late mother talked to about her past, how she was treated, what she went through, problems that arise in/during the last few years - I absorbed everything and was always there even when I couldn't - I just made time to be there.

It got to me when I was so depressed about my relationship. I wouldn't eat, I couldn't too - couldn't sleep, wouldn't go out of my room but when I was out - I had a fake smile on my face and even during that moment, I was always available for other people to pour their feelings/emotions - again I absorbed and it took a toll on me. I went through depression. I was not medicated, obviously as I didn't think it was bad enough to seek therapy (not that I am big on therapy) but I read online about depression and I had all the symptoms of Manic Depressive class Bipolar. That scared the hell out of me!

I told my mother about that I couldn't take it anymore. I keep giving my energy to people around me. I kept giving and giving until there was none left for me to go through my days. Thank goodness my late mother was there for me and got me through those dark days of my life. It was scary and it was something I didn't want to go through ever again but guess what... I almost did just today....

As I have written much earlier, I have reconnected my friendship with Sandy. During one of our outings, she told me what Nora was up to. 2007 was a stressful year for Sandy as Nora was hanging on to her for support of all her screwed up views on relationships and well, life. To cut a very long story short, Nora has been dating a Nigerian (not that it matters to me) guy who is physically and mentally abusive. Not cool. I have dated one local guy who was just like that and it was pure hell, I didn't know what I was thinking back then!