He's online. Still. Must be busy coz his status said so. Must be doing work. I wanted to say hi... but I dunno. I know I know... I should have just but well.. nvm.
Nick's online too. So sibuk! Can't stop talking about his fiancee. ;) Kidding. Yeah, I miss him.. why u too, Nick? ;)
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Bruised Knee
I have this ugly bruise on my left knee. It's purple! A lil greenish and purplish. I hit the comp table a few days back.. and it's still painful. *Pressing the bruise with my forefinger* OUUUCCCHHH!!!
It hurts. So now, not only is my heart bruised.. so is my knee.
It hurts. So now, not only is my heart bruised.. so is my knee.
Hiding Behind A Smile
I woke up feeling miserable. It finally dawned upon me that I'm unhappy. I know for a fact that I am not happy lately and I'm pretty much depressed but in front of my family members and frens, I act as if nothing can ruin my day. On the facade, ppl might think I have it all. I'm contented and that all they can see when they look at me is my smiling face. The truth is... I hide myself behind those smiles I give ppl. Call me a hypocrite or whatever you want but yes, that's me ryte now. I just feel so lost and unwanted. No one, I repeat no one knows how I truly feel inside. No one knows what's going thru my mind. I appreciate all my frens who spent time with me... accompanying me when I needed to be around ppl to get things off my mimd but when I go home, I feel so alone. I guess I should be greatful with the job I have. It gets me going. It doesn't help that the job I have right now usually requires me to be around couples which is something I do not want. But a job is a job and I should be professional. I hate it when ppl say that I'll get over this. Truth of the matter is, I never will. I'm sure Farrah will never get over the break-up. Same here with me. There may be someone out there for me but it' up to me to want him or not. When the time comes, maybe I will but it's not going to be easy. Not for him. I don't think it's fair to date someone if you're still in love with someone else. Regardless whether that person feels or doesn't feel the same. I'm pretty much a straight forward kinda person. I don't love you.. I don't want you. If I love a man and he doesn't love me... fine, I'll leave you alone. I'm not gonna force him to love me but I'll keep on loving him bcoz I know whether he's worth my time or not. I seriously don't care if I meet or don't meet anyone. They say time will heal... well, it does but in my case, it's gonna take a long time. Even the wounds I had from the past hasn't healed.
I reached for the phone... pressed 2 but I didn't let it ring... I just couldn't. I wanted to let it ring.. and hear him say hello... but...
I reached for the phone... pressed 2 but I didn't let it ring... I just couldn't. I wanted to let it ring.. and hear him say hello... but...
BMW - The Ultimate Driving Machine
I love BMW! I do! I really do! I wish I could marry a BMW but of coz it's a machine and that's quite impossible but I would seriously consider marrying someone who would either get me the 330ci or BMW 6series.. or both! Kidding! Arrgghh! They're so gorgeous!
The 6 series coupe.. if you see one in black.. you'd probably faint! I know I will! Not to mention the convertible! Sighhhh. The fuel consumption is pretty alryte with me and as for the performance.. if a car looks that good, I don't bloody care about the performance! BMW is just like what the caption says.. sheer driving pleasure... and me being a woman I don't care as long as it's BMW! Arrrghh!!! BMW.. maannnnn..... I can get seriously high just thinking about BMW cars! For a 'small' manufacturer BMW is on both a design and product roll. Altho now most of the products are designed by Americans. The new range of the 7 series are okay.. but I really love the old 7 series.
Sigh... I really gotta work hard if I want BMW 645i convertible!
The 6 series coupe.. if you see one in black.. you'd probably faint! I know I will! Not to mention the convertible! Sighhhh. The fuel consumption is pretty alryte with me and as for the performance.. if a car looks that good, I don't bloody care about the performance! BMW is just like what the caption says.. sheer driving pleasure... and me being a woman I don't care as long as it's BMW! Arrrghh!!! BMW.. maannnnn..... I can get seriously high just thinking about BMW cars! For a 'small' manufacturer BMW is on both a design and product roll. Altho now most of the products are designed by Americans. The new range of the 7 series are okay.. but I really love the old 7 series.
Sigh... I really gotta work hard if I want BMW 645i convertible!
Monday, June 21, 2004
It's A Doggy Dog World
I got an sms from a fren of mine a couple of hours ago. I got to know her during the AA interview. We've been calling and sms-ing each other often. A pretty gal. We got along well. So, I saw her name and thot she must've wanted to know whether I'm joining her this Friday at Passion but what she wrote shocked me. Her fiancee broke off their engagement. I sms-ed her and asked if she wanted me to call her. Now, I wouldn't wanna call her without asking becoz she might not want to talk to anyone but she said yes and that she really needed someone to talk to. So I called her up and she was, of coz crying. It's not the typical drama secne where a pretty gal is at the beach with the wind blowing in her hair and tears rolling down her cheeks with a soft ballad playing at the back... no.. it was a high pitched kinda cry... some sort of what I did when he broke up with me. Except I swear I sounded much better.. I mean, my crying altho that is so not the point I'm trying to make here. I told her to calm down and she told me that... he broke it off on the Net. I was dumbfounded! ON THE FREAKING NET!! What is up with you guys?! Aren't you man enough to break it off on the phone? In fact, I think it's a coward way to break it off on the phone.. don't you have the balls to go over to her place and break it off there and then? You're hurting her anyway so why not just stab her in the chest and tell her straight in the face?!?! Men! They're all the same. Really. She said he gave her this reason.. "I love you but I don't have feelings for you.." What in the freaking world is that suppose to mean?? OMG... why are all guys using that excuse to break up a r/ship? If you meet someone new... just tell her that you met someone new. You're bored with her.. tell her that. Don't give some lame stupid pathetic excuse!
I know exactly how she feels ryte now. I wish I can go over and hug her but of coz when something like this happens, it's best to be left alone. I told her to go get some ice-cream but she said, that will only remind her of her ex-fiancee. It's not easy to get over this. It's ex-fiancee... not ex-bf. Even some of my frens are having a hard time getting over a break up with their bfs and here she is being left by her ex-fiancee. The thing is, she's lucky becoz she's only 19. She's pretty and has a lot of things to look forward to. A lot of potential bfs out there for her. Altho I wouldn't recommend her to date anyone so soon becoz then it will be a rebound kinda thing. Speak for yourself, hehe. I promised her I'd take her out when she's ready to. She said for now.. she just wants to stay home. Maybe for a month. Hehe.. she sounds just like me. She said she felt much better after talking to me and I did make her laugh but I still feel kinda useless. It's like I could have done more but it's just not the ryte time. I joked about both of us should transform ourselves into lesbians... which she totally agreed and said we should date each other. Not a bad idea... actually. ;)
I know exactly how she feels ryte now. I wish I can go over and hug her but of coz when something like this happens, it's best to be left alone. I told her to go get some ice-cream but she said, that will only remind her of her ex-fiancee. It's not easy to get over this. It's ex-fiancee... not ex-bf. Even some of my frens are having a hard time getting over a break up with their bfs and here she is being left by her ex-fiancee. The thing is, she's lucky becoz she's only 19. She's pretty and has a lot of things to look forward to. A lot of potential bfs out there for her. Altho I wouldn't recommend her to date anyone so soon becoz then it will be a rebound kinda thing. Speak for yourself, hehe. I promised her I'd take her out when she's ready to. She said for now.. she just wants to stay home. Maybe for a month. Hehe.. she sounds just like me. She said she felt much better after talking to me and I did make her laugh but I still feel kinda useless. It's like I could have done more but it's just not the ryte time. I joked about both of us should transform ourselves into lesbians... which she totally agreed and said we should date each other. Not a bad idea... actually. ;)
Missing you...
I'm at home. I got up thinking about him. Every morning when I wake up, I think of him. The last thing I think of before I go to bed is him. We haven't spoken to each other since a week ago. Now, if he's in Canada then that's alryte with me but he's not. I miss his voice. I miss everything about him. The first time he broke up with me.. which at that time, I wasn't so sure the basis of our r/ship... but he begged... well, he wasn't on his knees or anything like that but he wanted so much for us to be frens. I wasn't okay with that but bcoz he was important to me as much as he is ryte now, I gave in. And I don't regret doing so... not even a bit. Now, he broke up with me.. again but he just sort of left me hanging. He wanted to be frens but he's ignoring me. So.. which is it now? Are we suppose to be frens.. or not? I have set in my mind that we shall remain frens but with this silent treatment that he's giving me, it's clear to me that.. that's the last thing he wants.
Razlan's back from New Zealand. For good. Good news for a lot of gals out there. Hahaa. Nick just called again. I have to decide soon. At a time like this, I wish I have him to talk to. :P Arrrghhh! I miss him..
Razlan's back from New Zealand. For good. Good news for a lot of gals out there. Hahaa. Nick just called again. I have to decide soon. At a time like this, I wish I have him to talk to. :P Arrrghhh! I miss him..
Sunday, June 20, 2004
Libra & Capricorn
Both of you have a certain appreciation for protocol, etiquette, and appropriate social behavior, and you may dislike and avoid people who are very impulsive, egocentric, or undisciplined. You are both more comfortable with rationality and order than with emotions.
You can get along quite well together. Libra, however, is more aware of aesthetics, and needs comfort, beauty, and pleasantries more than Capricorn. Libra meets others halfway, whereas Capricorn is more self-contained. Libra is less serious and can help Capricorn relax.
Hehehe...
I do remember helping him to relax. I always see him as a serious person altho he has a great sense of humour.. never fails to crack me up. On the facade, he looks serious and snobbish.. khekhe.. but he's really not that underneath it all. :)
You can get along quite well together. Libra, however, is more aware of aesthetics, and needs comfort, beauty, and pleasantries more than Capricorn. Libra meets others halfway, whereas Capricorn is more self-contained. Libra is less serious and can help Capricorn relax.
Hehehe...
I do remember helping him to relax. I always see him as a serious person altho he has a great sense of humour.. never fails to crack me up. On the facade, he looks serious and snobbish.. khekhe.. but he's really not that underneath it all. :)
Chutzpah!
Well well well, Nick's getting married. Congratulations, buddy! I dunno what took him so long to tell me (since he said they've been thinking about it 2 months ago) but he told me anyway and I'm happy for him. *Am I really happy?* It's not like he's the love of my life or anything close to that but I thot marriage is the last thing on his mind. I thot wrong. As usual. Ppl can really surprise you. I'm not judging him by thinking that he's rushing into this bcoz he's not. At least, that's what he told me. I don't think he is. He gave me a metaphor about his decision, it was hilarious but I can't remember what it was. It was funny. Hilarious. *Laughs*
Elisha, the gal he's marrying is a wonderful person. I've known her since I started modelling which was in 1997. We were good buddies but shit happens and we went about doing our own things. I have no hard feelings against her and I hope she doesn't too. It makes me happy knowing that he's getting married to Elisha and not anyone else. Reason being, I have always thot that they'd make a great couple eventho they're pretty much different from each other. I think they tried hard making the relationship work. Especially Elisha. Knowing that she has never kept her eyes off him. I know that from a fren and yes, we were buddies and we shared a lot of things together. In fact, I dated Nick after they broke up back then. And no, they didn't call it off bcoz of me. Most of our frens thot that Nick and I would end up together. Funny of them to think so bcoz it never crossed my mind. What we had was great but we can't help but make mistakes in life. He made a huge mistake and it took me years to forgive and forget him. Forget about what we had. I hated him. So much. He did everything possible so that I'd forgive him. At times, he failed. Me being a female, I succumbed to it at last. He knows I'm over him and that I wouldn't take him back but my frenship as he puts it, "meant more than anything in the world" so we became frens again. I'm glad we did. The wound is still there. To top it off, someone else had to break my heart. Anyway, the news of Nick becoming a husband have made me wondered about a lot of things. Mostly things connected to marriages and how ppl nowadays rush into it and getting a divorce the next yr or at least.. 5 yrs later.
I just hope Nick has learnt his lessons and will avoid repeating it bcoz getting married is not something you can take lightly. It's an investment. A big one at that. It's a huge decision and something you might want to take a long time to think about before getting into it. It's not just about you, it's about the 2 of you. It's being able to wake up in the morning and see the same face for the next 60 yrs or so without feeling or thinking "Owh mann.. it's the same person again!". I live in a world of my own. I have my own idea of a marriage and this is what marriage is to me, it's about 2 different ppl living the rest of their lives together thru thick and thin and dying together. Okay, maybe not that but grow old together unless you're both in an accident and die together than yeah, that's possible but you might die first, let's say.. of a heart attack, then your partner will be left alone and then she dies of.. old age or cancer.. it doesn't have to be the husband first, the wife could die first. Whichever God wants it to be. Anyway, I know there is no such thing as Mr/Ms Right or Mr/Ms Perfect. If there is, pls let me know. I'd love to meet them. If something makes you unhappy, do something about it. Talk it thru. Make it work. Don't just shut it off. Yes, there are times when you just don't want it anymore but remember, you chose to live with that person for the rest of your live so make it work. Don't be selfish. Selfish is something you should avoid when you're married. I don't think I can marry someone who thinks of himself most of the time. And yes, there is such person. My brother is married to one.
I want to be with someone who can make me a better person and I can make him a better person. I'm the type who is willing to go thru thick and thin. It doesn't matter if I have to sacrifice myself bcoz that's what marriage is about. If he's sick, I want to and would be the one to take care of him and I expect him to do the same. It's about compromising and willing to be open to every idea we both have to make our marriage happier and better. I want to be someone who is not going to get bored of me bcoz I don't believe that when you're in love, you'll get bored of that person. I just don't. It happened to me. I guess I'm a boring person, I dunno but I think a person who gets bored easily is someone who is not matured and isn't sure of what he/she wants but has to have someone with him/her so that he/she feels good.
Then again, I don't think I'm gonna get married. I don't want to. Maybe I will but I don't wanna get into something and end up getting hurt. Again. and Again.
Elisha, the gal he's marrying is a wonderful person. I've known her since I started modelling which was in 1997. We were good buddies but shit happens and we went about doing our own things. I have no hard feelings against her and I hope she doesn't too. It makes me happy knowing that he's getting married to Elisha and not anyone else. Reason being, I have always thot that they'd make a great couple eventho they're pretty much different from each other. I think they tried hard making the relationship work. Especially Elisha. Knowing that she has never kept her eyes off him. I know that from a fren and yes, we were buddies and we shared a lot of things together. In fact, I dated Nick after they broke up back then. And no, they didn't call it off bcoz of me. Most of our frens thot that Nick and I would end up together. Funny of them to think so bcoz it never crossed my mind. What we had was great but we can't help but make mistakes in life. He made a huge mistake and it took me years to forgive and forget him. Forget about what we had. I hated him. So much. He did everything possible so that I'd forgive him. At times, he failed. Me being a female, I succumbed to it at last. He knows I'm over him and that I wouldn't take him back but my frenship as he puts it, "meant more than anything in the world" so we became frens again. I'm glad we did. The wound is still there. To top it off, someone else had to break my heart. Anyway, the news of Nick becoming a husband have made me wondered about a lot of things. Mostly things connected to marriages and how ppl nowadays rush into it and getting a divorce the next yr or at least.. 5 yrs later.
I just hope Nick has learnt his lessons and will avoid repeating it bcoz getting married is not something you can take lightly. It's an investment. A big one at that. It's a huge decision and something you might want to take a long time to think about before getting into it. It's not just about you, it's about the 2 of you. It's being able to wake up in the morning and see the same face for the next 60 yrs or so without feeling or thinking "Owh mann.. it's the same person again!". I live in a world of my own. I have my own idea of a marriage and this is what marriage is to me, it's about 2 different ppl living the rest of their lives together thru thick and thin and dying together. Okay, maybe not that but grow old together unless you're both in an accident and die together than yeah, that's possible but you might die first, let's say.. of a heart attack, then your partner will be left alone and then she dies of.. old age or cancer.. it doesn't have to be the husband first, the wife could die first. Whichever God wants it to be. Anyway, I know there is no such thing as Mr/Ms Right or Mr/Ms Perfect. If there is, pls let me know. I'd love to meet them. If something makes you unhappy, do something about it. Talk it thru. Make it work. Don't just shut it off. Yes, there are times when you just don't want it anymore but remember, you chose to live with that person for the rest of your live so make it work. Don't be selfish. Selfish is something you should avoid when you're married. I don't think I can marry someone who thinks of himself most of the time. And yes, there is such person. My brother is married to one.
I want to be with someone who can make me a better person and I can make him a better person. I'm the type who is willing to go thru thick and thin. It doesn't matter if I have to sacrifice myself bcoz that's what marriage is about. If he's sick, I want to and would be the one to take care of him and I expect him to do the same. It's about compromising and willing to be open to every idea we both have to make our marriage happier and better. I want to be someone who is not going to get bored of me bcoz I don't believe that when you're in love, you'll get bored of that person. I just don't. It happened to me. I guess I'm a boring person, I dunno but I think a person who gets bored easily is someone who is not matured and isn't sure of what he/she wants but has to have someone with him/her so that he/she feels good.
Then again, I don't think I'm gonna get married. I don't want to. Maybe I will but I don't wanna get into something and end up getting hurt. Again. and Again.
Happy Father's Day!
I'd like to take this opportunity to wish all fathers around the world Happy Father's Day! To my dad, I love you and I'd be lost without you!
I went out with Khalil yesterday. We watched 'The Punisher'.. can't say it was punishing watching it.. it was okay. had a good time with Khalil. We talked a lot! About our memories in SSP. Him being my junior and we talked about what he looks for in a gal. Hehe.. I'll look for one that will suit your criterias, yah? I'll make sure she can speak Malay! Khekhe. That's a first. Guys usually look for a gal that speaks English anyway, Khalil is such a sweetheart. One of my best petbros. I can't believe how matured he is. I've known him since he was 12 and I always look at him in that way.. somehow. So, yesterday when we talked and discussed about life and careers, I see a different side of him. He seems like the quiet type but it's amazing how he can talk like a 30 yr old. Mind you, he's only 23. I would really like to see him with a really fine looking lady! So, Khalil, if you're reading this, thanks for the company. We definitely should do it again. Hehe.. btw, Diana called last nyte.. hehe.
Khalil sent me home about 7-ish and my bro said he wouldn't be in for dinner so I should get my own dinner. My parents were in Melaka and were staying overnyte. Dezmark had just finished his exams so I decided to call him. Picked me up about 9-ish and we had drinks at one of the mamak restaurants nearby my place since traffic was really bad. He was so happy bcoz his exams are over. It was a bit freaky to see him in that state. He's so serious most of the time I see him and to see him smile and giggling... it was freeaakky! Anyway, we talked and talked. Mostly about LOTR. Funny.. Khalil and I talked about LOTR too. I can't wait for the extended version of Return of The King. We went back to my place and played a couple of games of Solitaire. Abg El said he went to catch 'Chronicles of Riddick' (something like that..)n and he said it was Riddick-ulous! Hahaa. Good one. I'm not really bothered to catch that coz I'm not a big fan of Van Diesel and I don't think it's worth watching it at the cinema. I can't wait for Spiderman 2! White Chicks too.. hehe. Wayans.. they always crack me up.
I'm suppose to watch a movie with Izzat but I have plans with my family today. I'll make it up to him one of these days. Farrah wants to see me.. I seriously have to re-schedule all my appointments. I haven't chatted with Rangga for a while now. Hope he's spending a lot of time with his gf. She'll be leaving soon for UK and well, I hope the LDR will work out for the both of them. It doesn't usually work out.. but I'm praying for him. Hope I'll see him online soon. Have a lot to tell him. Rangga! Get your ass online soon, will ya??
I went out with Khalil yesterday. We watched 'The Punisher'.. can't say it was punishing watching it.. it was okay. had a good time with Khalil. We talked a lot! About our memories in SSP. Him being my junior and we talked about what he looks for in a gal. Hehe.. I'll look for one that will suit your criterias, yah? I'll make sure she can speak Malay! Khekhe. That's a first. Guys usually look for a gal that speaks English anyway, Khalil is such a sweetheart. One of my best petbros. I can't believe how matured he is. I've known him since he was 12 and I always look at him in that way.. somehow. So, yesterday when we talked and discussed about life and careers, I see a different side of him. He seems like the quiet type but it's amazing how he can talk like a 30 yr old. Mind you, he's only 23. I would really like to see him with a really fine looking lady! So, Khalil, if you're reading this, thanks for the company. We definitely should do it again. Hehe.. btw, Diana called last nyte.. hehe.
Khalil sent me home about 7-ish and my bro said he wouldn't be in for dinner so I should get my own dinner. My parents were in Melaka and were staying overnyte. Dezmark had just finished his exams so I decided to call him. Picked me up about 9-ish and we had drinks at one of the mamak restaurants nearby my place since traffic was really bad. He was so happy bcoz his exams are over. It was a bit freaky to see him in that state. He's so serious most of the time I see him and to see him smile and giggling... it was freeaakky! Anyway, we talked and talked. Mostly about LOTR. Funny.. Khalil and I talked about LOTR too. I can't wait for the extended version of Return of The King. We went back to my place and played a couple of games of Solitaire. Abg El said he went to catch 'Chronicles of Riddick' (something like that..)n and he said it was Riddick-ulous! Hahaa. Good one. I'm not really bothered to catch that coz I'm not a big fan of Van Diesel and I don't think it's worth watching it at the cinema. I can't wait for Spiderman 2! White Chicks too.. hehe. Wayans.. they always crack me up.
I'm suppose to watch a movie with Izzat but I have plans with my family today. I'll make it up to him one of these days. Farrah wants to see me.. I seriously have to re-schedule all my appointments. I haven't chatted with Rangga for a while now. Hope he's spending a lot of time with his gf. She'll be leaving soon for UK and well, I hope the LDR will work out for the both of them. It doesn't usually work out.. but I'm praying for him. Hope I'll see him online soon. Have a lot to tell him. Rangga! Get your ass online soon, will ya??
Saturday, June 19, 2004
A Letter..
Dear Liz,
Hello there. I don’t usually do this, in fact I don’t do this sort of thing at all but the situation calls for it. I have no absolute idea on who you are. I don’t remember having a friend by the name of Liz or Liza or Elizabeth or anything that comes close to Liz. You’re probably one of the many girls that envy with what I have. Btw, could you tell me what it is? I have no idea at all. I’m not a millionaire (not yet, hehehe), I don’t have many friends tho the ones I have are enough for me to say I have many wonderful friends. I don’t know what I did to deserve all the things you said about me but I’m pretty sure you’re gonna say that I went out with your bf or am going out with your bf (that’s not the case here, I’m very sure!) or I took whatever modeling job that you were supposed to get but didn’t becuz you were busy having a hangover or God knows what else. Look lady, I don’t care. You have something to say about me, say it to my face. Don’t be a damn coward and send me nasty emails. I’m not mad, I just don’t understand people like you. Such bloody cowards. Come over and spit it on my face, babe. You struck me as the sort of person who’s not scared of anything, mcm berani gila, well, this is your chance to prove to yourself and your friends (and me) on how fucking brave you are. According to you, I’m a slut, sorry, let me get it right, a pussy bitch-ass AND a slut, well, even if I am, what is it to you?? I know you wanna be like me but you just can’t. I’m one in a million, honey. You gotta face the fact that you can never be like me or anyone as slutty as I am. Slutty girls rock, numsayin? Well, you ain’t rocking, girl. I don’t have to fuck any of the guys that work in that agency to get that job. I got it with my own hard work. Unlike some girls I know. =).
So that’s about it. I hope you’ll have a nice day after reading this. If you’re a Muslim, sembahyang-lah, it would really help. If you don’t know how to, there are many books on how-to-pray. Get one, read it and practice it, honey..
Hello there. I don’t usually do this, in fact I don’t do this sort of thing at all but the situation calls for it. I have no absolute idea on who you are. I don’t remember having a friend by the name of Liz or Liza or Elizabeth or anything that comes close to Liz. You’re probably one of the many girls that envy with what I have. Btw, could you tell me what it is? I have no idea at all. I’m not a millionaire (not yet, hehehe), I don’t have many friends tho the ones I have are enough for me to say I have many wonderful friends. I don’t know what I did to deserve all the things you said about me but I’m pretty sure you’re gonna say that I went out with your bf or am going out with your bf (that’s not the case here, I’m very sure!) or I took whatever modeling job that you were supposed to get but didn’t becuz you were busy having a hangover or God knows what else. Look lady, I don’t care. You have something to say about me, say it to my face. Don’t be a damn coward and send me nasty emails. I’m not mad, I just don’t understand people like you. Such bloody cowards. Come over and spit it on my face, babe. You struck me as the sort of person who’s not scared of anything, mcm berani gila, well, this is your chance to prove to yourself and your friends (and me) on how fucking brave you are. According to you, I’m a slut, sorry, let me get it right, a pussy bitch-ass AND a slut, well, even if I am, what is it to you?? I know you wanna be like me but you just can’t. I’m one in a million, honey. You gotta face the fact that you can never be like me or anyone as slutty as I am. Slutty girls rock, numsayin? Well, you ain’t rocking, girl. I don’t have to fuck any of the guys that work in that agency to get that job. I got it with my own hard work. Unlike some girls I know. =).
So that’s about it. I hope you’ll have a nice day after reading this. If you’re a Muslim, sembahyang-lah, it would really help. If you don’t know how to, there are many books on how-to-pray. Get one, read it and practice it, honey..
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Undecided
I didn't sleep till about 5am. I couldn't sleep. Tried but failed. So what did I do? I ended up thinking about him and cried myself to sleep. I'm so emotional and I sooo hate that! I miss everything about him and what's bugging me is that I know he doesn't. I don't actually know that but from the looks of it, he doesn't give a shit anymore about me. Me? Well, me being me.. I still care. Why? Don't ask. That's just me. Maybe the fact that he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Yeah, that's it. I'm so mad ryte now. At him. Mostly at myself for being so weak. I'm totally fine with his decision but I'm not used to not having him around. I have to get use to that but geez, it's so fucking frustrating. Arrgghh! I don't swear but I just.. arrghh!! F***!!!!
I've been thinking about what I'm going to do.. I have not come to a decision yet bcoz I'm still weighing the pros and cons of it. 'It' being whether should I stay or should I go. I wish there is an easy way out of life... but then, if there is.. life wouldn't be much of a challenge, would it?
I've been thinking about what I'm going to do.. I have not come to a decision yet bcoz I'm still weighing the pros and cons of it. 'It' being whether should I stay or should I go. I wish there is an easy way out of life... but then, if there is.. life wouldn't be much of a challenge, would it?
Monday, June 14, 2004
Crestfallen
I feel numb. I have a lot of things I would like to write about but I dunno where to start and like I said, I feel numb. My brain feels like it has stopped functioning. Well, feels like it.. I didn't say it did. I'm heartbroken. I dunno if it'll heal. I don't think it will. I don't even think I want it to. Every day, life gets more depressed. Everything means nothing anymore. Not even a bit. I don't even feel anything when my mum tells me something. Recently, she told me that Abg El might take the job in Dubai and I was like.. yeah whatever. My niece called my name in full and again I was like, yeah cool. Today, I feel like I want to end everything. Everything. I just don't want anyone in my life. If I go, who will be there for my mum? Who will be there to listen to her complaints? Who would help my dad with his garden? I would be damn selfish if I were to leave them behind altho I am sometimes useless, they depend on me. I wish that I was the one offered a job overseas. I have nothing left here so why the need to stay? Think I'm gonna have a breakdown. A lot of things is happening to me and it's not good things. From one bad thing to another. Why is it that I always think about other ppl but it's never the other way around? I always give in to ppl. I know I shouldn't but if I don't, I'd feel bad. Like what if he/she really needed me at that time and I just shut them off? I always try to make time for everyone bcoz I feel like if I don't.. I don't know when I'll see that person again. Maybe I won't get to see them again bcoz I don't know what lies ahead of me. When it concerns me, why can't ppl do the same? At least once. I have a lot of things on my mind but I don't shut ppl off. I don't stop sms-ing them or call them. Yes, I do need some time alone too but that does not mean I'd stop being a fren but u know what, I think it's about time I do that. I can't forever think about other ppl esp those who don't think about how I feel. Treat ppl the way u want to be treated. That's fucking bullshit. I've been doing that all my life and I don't get treated the same way. I treat ppl well, I do esp those who deserve it but do I get the same treatment? Guess what? NO! Yeah, maybe for a couple of months and then, it's bye-bye. Why do ppl need to be so fucking selfish? I only have one thing to say.. FUCK YOU!
Saturday, June 12, 2004
Madness!
This week has been crazy! Weekend too. I'm fully-booked! First news, I am being stalked. I thot it was just an infatuation that person has for me but it has gone overboard. Not only has that person been harrasing me thru emails and phone calls. Flowers have been sent to MY house and that totally freaked me out bcoz I have no idea where she got my home address and not only that, I was on my way to meet the director of the movie and Nick, as I got into the cab, she messaged me and said how gorgeous I looked in the dress.. and I was like.. "Where the hell are you?". She knows every single thing I'm doing whenever I'm out.. is that freaky or IS THAT FREAKY?? I told Azmir about it, he said oh it's nothing. Yeah, I bet u it's nothing!! It's a gal, that's one thing and I totally don't like the idea of her following me around. I went to the police which of course there isn't anything they can do bcoz she hasn't done anything. Hello! She is harrasing me! So, I gotta wait till she touches me then u're gonna do something about it?? Thanks but I'll do it my way since there's ISN'T anything u guys can do.
Other than that, I'm busy preparing myself for a shoot. A Filipino hiphop group is shooting a videoclip here and I was chosen as one of the dancers. So it has been training and practising since Wednesday. Haven't had a decent sleep in days. Today is the only day I'm free to blog and check my email account. Actually, I only have till 3.30pm then I'm off for training and the shoot will be done tomorrow. Wish me luck everybody! Will keep posting.. well, when I have the free time!
Take care and God Bless!!
Other than that, I'm busy preparing myself for a shoot. A Filipino hiphop group is shooting a videoclip here and I was chosen as one of the dancers. So it has been training and practising since Wednesday. Haven't had a decent sleep in days. Today is the only day I'm free to blog and check my email account. Actually, I only have till 3.30pm then I'm off for training and the shoot will be done tomorrow. Wish me luck everybody! Will keep posting.. well, when I have the free time!
Take care and God Bless!!
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
The Result
In case u're wondering, since I have gotten emails asking about AA, no I didn't get the post. They said I was.. above the post I wanted. Whatever that means. I mean, what they said really made me feel good but what exactly do airlines look for? Airheads? I guess I'm kinda relieved that I didn't get in bcoz at least, I know I'm better off doing something else but seriously, what exactly makes a stewardess? Do u actually have to be stupid to be one? I just need something to do at the moment bcoz I don't wanna be around married or soon to be married couples. I'm too superior?? Hello! U ppl don't even know me that well.. u only judged me by that 10 mins interview? :P
Well, I got an offer from a fren to act with him. Yeah but I'm not sure whether I'm taking it. I have to talk to my parents about it first. Azmir thinks it's a good idea. I dunno. It's not easy to act. I mean, yeah.. I've been doing a lil bit of modeling but that's different. U're only in front of the camera for 2 mins tops but a movie.. that's like.. 2 hours or so.. and u're on more than a week of shoots. So, I dunno. It's actually a joint-venture between Malaysia and Thailand. It's like that Ada Apa Dgn Cinta kinda storyline altho not exactly the same.
I think I'm gonna go now...
Well, I got an offer from a fren to act with him. Yeah but I'm not sure whether I'm taking it. I have to talk to my parents about it first. Azmir thinks it's a good idea. I dunno. It's not easy to act. I mean, yeah.. I've been doing a lil bit of modeling but that's different. U're only in front of the camera for 2 mins tops but a movie.. that's like.. 2 hours or so.. and u're on more than a week of shoots. So, I dunno. It's actually a joint-venture between Malaysia and Thailand. It's like that Ada Apa Dgn Cinta kinda storyline altho not exactly the same.
I think I'm gonna go now...
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Plausible Denialbility
I was forced to go to my cousin's engagement today. I dreaded going bcoz I know what's gonna come out of my aunts' mouths. "So, when is ur turn, honey?". I don't go to my cousins' weddings for that very reason! I hate it when ppl ask me that question. I'm only freaking 23 yrs old. Back then, at this age, I would have probably gotten married with children but I wasn't born back then. I'm the new generation and the new generation gets married at the age of 26 above or don't get married at all. In my case, the latter.
Anyway, the engagement went well and the hantaran(s) were lovely! The decoration was really nice and wasn't 'kampung-ish' at all. Surprisingly. Haha. Oh yeah, one more reason why I hate engagement ceremonies is that u have strangers sitting beside u and they'd step on ur kain or whatever that u are wearing and don't have the bloody decency to apologise. Maybe bcoz they're not brought up to apologise, I dunno but it happened to me just now and I honestly almost snapped at that lady. "You're bloody stepping on my kain! MOVE!!".. but of coz me being me, I just smiled and said, excuse me. Did she apologise? Of coz not! What amazes me the most is that, she's older than me and u know what they always say about org tua.. they're well-behaved and polite. Polite my ass! She's not tua-tua laa.. she's probably 30ish but for heaven's sakes, have u ever heard of the word "SORRY"?? I have one more reason why I hate family gatherings/reunions. My dad's side especially. IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET MY DAD TO GO HOME!!! OMG! I think just now, I stood about.. 4 times thinking it was time to go home bcoz my dad kept on saying, "okay, we're leaving now.. go salam everyone". I think I salam-ed everyone about 4 times.. and imagine about 50+ ppl were there.. my hands hurt laa! Such a spoilt brat.. I KNOW! It is such a drag being the youngest coz u're always forced to go to this sort of thing. Even if I'm not forced or dragged to go, my parents would use an ultimatum sort of thing or would say something sikit just to make me feel bloody guilty! I sure hope this is it for this year. No more engagements or gatherings. I like weddings.. I love them but engagements.. it's different. Weddings in hotel are my favourite bcoz u have to leave no matter what by 10 or 11 the most. If it's at my relative's house, I would have to stay till late bcoz my parents and uncles and aunts would talk forever like they're not gonna see each other in 12 years to come! Hang out with my cousins? From my dad's side? FORGET IT! I'd rather stick my head in the washing machine.
It's 2041hrs and I'm hungry. After all this rambling, who wouldn't be..
Anyway, the engagement went well and the hantaran(s) were lovely! The decoration was really nice and wasn't 'kampung-ish' at all. Surprisingly. Haha. Oh yeah, one more reason why I hate engagement ceremonies is that u have strangers sitting beside u and they'd step on ur kain or whatever that u are wearing and don't have the bloody decency to apologise. Maybe bcoz they're not brought up to apologise, I dunno but it happened to me just now and I honestly almost snapped at that lady. "You're bloody stepping on my kain! MOVE!!".. but of coz me being me, I just smiled and said, excuse me. Did she apologise? Of coz not! What amazes me the most is that, she's older than me and u know what they always say about org tua.. they're well-behaved and polite. Polite my ass! She's not tua-tua laa.. she's probably 30ish but for heaven's sakes, have u ever heard of the word "SORRY"?? I have one more reason why I hate family gatherings/reunions. My dad's side especially. IT TAKES FOREVER TO GET MY DAD TO GO HOME!!! OMG! I think just now, I stood about.. 4 times thinking it was time to go home bcoz my dad kept on saying, "okay, we're leaving now.. go salam everyone". I think I salam-ed everyone about 4 times.. and imagine about 50+ ppl were there.. my hands hurt laa! Such a spoilt brat.. I KNOW! It is such a drag being the youngest coz u're always forced to go to this sort of thing. Even if I'm not forced or dragged to go, my parents would use an ultimatum sort of thing or would say something sikit just to make me feel bloody guilty! I sure hope this is it for this year. No more engagements or gatherings. I like weddings.. I love them but engagements.. it's different. Weddings in hotel are my favourite bcoz u have to leave no matter what by 10 or 11 the most. If it's at my relative's house, I would have to stay till late bcoz my parents and uncles and aunts would talk forever like they're not gonna see each other in 12 years to come! Hang out with my cousins? From my dad's side? FORGET IT! I'd rather stick my head in the washing machine.
It's 2041hrs and I'm hungry. After all this rambling, who wouldn't be..
Thursday, June 03, 2004
One more day to go..
It's Thursday. I still have to wait till Friday comes and for that day to end. I have not received any calls from AA, so haven't my frens. I have mixed emotions ryte now. Restless, excited, nervous.. u name it! I have to do something to keep my mind of thinking about it. Give me some ideas, ppl!!
A long lost fren of mine (as she herself puts it!), Elsa has her own blog now. Hehe. I actually forced her into signing up for one. I think blogging is really one of the good ways to destress urself. At times, I do wonder if it really helps, which it does but sometimes, I stopped myself from writing things I really wanna let out. One of the reasons why I can't write is bcoz ppl might think that I'm racist which I am so not but there are so many of them around.. and them; meaning that one particular race. I feel like I'm in that country where they originated from. REALLY!! I can't stand them! They talk so loud and they're sooo rude!! Yes, my own race can be rude too but we're not as bad as those ppl!!! OMG! I should stop writing about this!
Anyway, last nyte, Azmir called up and we went out for coffee, well he did. I had PC.. as in Pure Chocolate.. not that thing where u type, surf and do ur work with. We both haven't been going out for quite some time. According to Azmir, last nyte was his first nyte out after I dunno how many days. We saw new billboards along TTDI towards Hartamas link. Oh and he actually took the other way back to my place instead of the usual way. He said that happened bcoz dah lama tak kluar. Okay. Khekhe. So cute.
It's 1620hrs. I don't think they're gonna call me. I don't think I'm in. Arrghh! The frustration I'm feeling ryte now... no one will ever feel it! I'm gonna go drown myself if I don't get the job. Hang myself maybe. Arrgh! I'm such a drama queen! Stop smiling, Elsa! U're one too!! Hah-ha.
A long lost fren of mine (as she herself puts it!), Elsa has her own blog now. Hehe. I actually forced her into signing up for one. I think blogging is really one of the good ways to destress urself. At times, I do wonder if it really helps, which it does but sometimes, I stopped myself from writing things I really wanna let out. One of the reasons why I can't write is bcoz ppl might think that I'm racist which I am so not but there are so many of them around.. and them; meaning that one particular race. I feel like I'm in that country where they originated from. REALLY!! I can't stand them! They talk so loud and they're sooo rude!! Yes, my own race can be rude too but we're not as bad as those ppl!!! OMG! I should stop writing about this!
Anyway, last nyte, Azmir called up and we went out for coffee, well he did. I had PC.. as in Pure Chocolate.. not that thing where u type, surf and do ur work with. We both haven't been going out for quite some time. According to Azmir, last nyte was his first nyte out after I dunno how many days. We saw new billboards along TTDI towards Hartamas link. Oh and he actually took the other way back to my place instead of the usual way. He said that happened bcoz dah lama tak kluar. Okay. Khekhe. So cute.
It's 1620hrs. I don't think they're gonna call me. I don't think I'm in. Arrghh! The frustration I'm feeling ryte now... no one will ever feel it! I'm gonna go drown myself if I don't get the job. Hang myself maybe. Arrgh! I'm such a drama queen! Stop smiling, Elsa! U're one too!! Hah-ha.
