Weight and what-not

I weighed myself this morning and it turned out that I am now 53kg!!!!!! That is above my ideal weight. I can't afford to gain anymore. I really can't - it'd be unhealthy. I have to look after my weight and also, blood pressure. I'm in my late twenties and I have to start taking extra care of my health! Ggggrrr.... 53kg - shiissshhhh.

I am thinking of leaving this company I'm working for. Actually, I am going to leave this company but I thought it'd be good to have a job in hand so that I don't stay at home with nothing to do. That would be hard for me as home is the last place I want to be on a full day. It'd bring too many memories - not that that isn't a good thing but I'm just not ready yet - and I need to keep my mind occupied.

I have been talking to two women - one is 53 and another 44 yrs old - about my loss. They both lost their parents a few years back. It was heartbreaking listening to their stories. One of them lost her father first and a few weeks later, her mother passed on. Imagine the pain, anger and hurt she had to go through. I am very glad I have these 2 amazing and very strong individuals to talk to since everyone around me is very busy with their lives. They sure don't sound old though... the way they write to me... they sound so young I thought they were in their 30s! What was shocking was that both had a relationship with MM - one is still seeing her MM. Shocking cause I didn't know it was that common - at that age.

Wanna know what else is common nowadays? Ovarian cyst. There are different types of cysts but all treatable. I read that about 95% of ovarian cyst are benign meaning they are not cancerous. It also stated that the hormones in the contraceptive pills; it may regulate the menstrual cycle, prevent the formation of follicles that can turn into cysts and possibly shrink an existing cyst. So it's a good thing, I'm taking those, huh? Anyway, at this moment every 3 out of 5 women I know personally have had the ovarian cyst. Although it isn't cancerous, it is still something to worry about.

OMG!! I need to lose some fats!!!!

I can't fit into my hotpants! I am sooo shock when I tried it on and I couldn't button it up. Seriously, I need to lose some weight and that said, fats too! Really, I can't fit into them!!! I used to fit into them... which was just last year! I was friggin' 26 and now, I'm 29! OMFG!! I freaked out! I was screaming and shouting - my dad asked what was wrong and I told him... his responded with "Aahhh.... you're 'tembam', that's good! You've always been so thin" - Aaarrrgghhhhhh!!!! Men!!!!!

Everybody seems to think that I am slim and curvy - then why do I feel so fat?!?! Am I having PMS? Gee whizz... I don't know anymore! Arrrghhh... BC pills are so not helping! I decided to go back to Loette cause when I took Yasmin BC pills - I had headaches. So I decided to take Loette and well, apparently my SIL says that it makes you eat more - greatttt BUT I have Jace to make sure that I do not eat more than 2 meals a day now. Yeah yeah, I know... I can eat whatever I want as long as I exercise.... BUT no more fattening food for me. No more greasy food and anything that can make my blood pressure go up cause I have been feeling sick - more sick than ever lately. No more McD's for me. Really.

OMG - my tummy looks as if I am 2 months preggers - that is sooo gross!!! Aaarrghhh! I feel so flabby. I need to run. Yes, that's what I should do! Am going to take my trainers out and run this weekend. After work. I'll leave early and run at the park. Then swimming after that. Weights on Mon and Wed... yup, that can work. I will have to be very hard on myself - no more playing around.... no sirree!!!!

Happy Birthday, abg Eddie!!

Gee whizz... I can't believe my eldest brother is 39 today! LOL - not that he looks anywhere near 39 - he doesn't even look close to 35!!! Ggggrrrr. So for this month, he's the last to have his birthday celebrated. Next would be Wawa and El. I'm not sure if we are doing dinner tonight to celebrate Eddie's birthday but am definitely sleeping over at his place cause Wafi wanted me to since last night but I had laundry to do so tonight, I'll be spending some time with them and hopefully, some time with my darling sweetheart.

Happy Birthday, Kak Jules!

Today is Jules' birthday... a year wiser! I wish for her day to be filled with lots of love, laughter and happiness. I'm sure El will continue in making her happier every year. They are a loving couple as the other 2 couples - Eddie & Mas and Ezy & Zaiton. I'd be happy to have half of what they have now in my marriage.

Happy Birthday, Dila!

Today is Dila's 20th birthday so Happy Birthdayyyyy!!!! Mann... I can't believe how much she has grown. Not that she looks her age. Much younger to be honest!

I remember when she was 4 years old - strangling my kittens - poor kittens!! Even the cats would run away whenever they see her coming. She used to get whatever she asked for... which totally irked me! I used to envy her.. seriously. Maybe cause I was the youngest and that she wasn't really my parents' daughter. I was young at that time, all I wanted was everyone's attention but after I turned 14 or 15, I began to understand why she was that way. She didn't get any attention at all at her own home. The second youngest brother got all the attention. So my parents gave her all the attention she deserved and so did my brothers. Then I began to show her the sisterly side of me. I showed it by bullying her a lot. Ahhh to be an older sister. What a bliss!!

Anyhow, we celebrated her birthday by taking her to Manhattan Fish Market. It was a good thing that we went there as I was in the mood for seafood. El, Jules and Dila arrived first so they ordered the lobster platter which consisted of mussels, calamaris, fish & chips, garlic rice and of course a huge lobster! Absolutely fabulous! I loovveee seafood!!

Now, I am not a big fan of mussels but the creamy sauce it was served in was simply delicious. I was asked to try the mussels but it was too much for me. I just couldn't take it. Dila was curious as to how mussels taste like so I forced her to try one. Seriously.. I forced her. She said it was nice and that I should give it a try. Yeah right. After all those crap she was telling me, I caved in and tried one. Let me just say that there ain't gonna be a next time! Oysters I can live with, mussels.. no thanks!

After all the seafood we ate, we were stuffed but I still had room for ice cream so we headed to Baskin-Robbins - I can't live without ice cream. I really can't!

Until The End of Time - Justin Timberlake

Woke up this morning
Heard the TV sayin' something
'Bout disaster in the world and
It made me wonder where I'm going
There's so much darkness in the world
But I see beauty left in you girl
And what you give me makes me know
That I'll be alright

Because if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Everybody sing
Everybody singing


No if you're ever wondering
About the way I'm feeling
Well baby girl there ain't no question
Just to be around you is a blessing
Sick and tired of trying to save the world
I just want to spend my time with you girl
And what you're giving me
Makes me know that we'll be alright.

Because if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Everybody sing
Everybody singing


This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say

Cause if your love was all I had
In this life
That would be enough
Until the end of time

This is a song by Justin Timberlake. I love this song! I can't get enough of it! Sexylove isn't a fan of JT's so I don't think you've heard of this.. unless it plays on your radio. *smile*

Missing and loving you lots... wonder when I will see your posts?

xxxx

So I was saying...

About changes...

It's just not the cellphone. As I mentioned earlier, Jimmy's last day so we're down to 3 staff so there will be slight changes - nothing Jace and I can't handle. We still have the other 3 jokers *smile* to help us out.

It seems that everyone around me is busy. Busier than I am so I'm planning to add more activities in my life. So here are the activities:

1. Tennis - There's a class for beginners at the SD Club so I'm signing up for that one. I don't think I'm a bad tennis player but it would be nice to learn how to play tennis - the right way.
2. Swimming - I'm thinking of doing this 3 times a week at the club. I need to tone and trim my body. I feel disgusted with the flabs - seriously! Gym has been out of the Q for quite some time due to the move and everything else.
3. Nieces - Wafi complains that I don't play with her whenever I am free. The thing is, whenever I am free - she wants to play house or whatever her creative mind can think of which most of the time, I'm not in the mood for. So the plan is to spend more time with them by.. taking them out! It'd be a win-win situation for us. I get to go out and they get to spend time with me.
4. Read - I have always loved reading books. Any genre works for me but I have been somewhat lazy. I went to Eddie's house the other day and saw a book that I thought was interesting - Sleeping Around - so I borrowed it and have only read the first 3 pages. I'm going to finish that one up and head over to the library for another book and will keep reading books till my eyes bleed. Really. I'm thinking... a book club in the near future.
   

So at the moment I only have 4 listed. I'm thinking cooking class as well but that can only be done on Tuesdays (my day off) but I have sssoooo many recipes from my late mother's collection that I don't think cooking class is required. I can read very well and measurements... I can always use the converter on my cellphone to help me out. So that's sorted out.

I mean... people don't have time for me.. so I should also make less time for them, right?

EDIT: Also, I am trying to cut down on caffeine. I went without caffeine for 4 whole days then Jace and I went to Pappa..... I caved in for their Iced Coffee!!!!! Aarggh!!! I'm sssoooo weak! But at least I am only having one cup of coffee a day rather than the usual 3 - 4 cups. Which is not the normal coffee you get from the 'mamak stall'. I'm talking about espresso, caramel latte, cappucino... seriously, I gotta stop! I don't want to end up looking older than my age!!!!

Not that the above is an activity but just something I would like to change! No more caffeine!

Changes and more...

My N71 is being a bitch! It's acting up and I don't like one bit of it! I almost threw the phone to the wall because it was so annoying last few days and wallpaper of my flip display did not turn up and it kept asking me to remove memory card... which is the most annoying thing about it. The thing with N series is that you have to constantly upgrade the software which is a drag for me as I don't have the time to go to the Nokia centre to get it done.

Then Eddie bought I-Phone!!!! Arrrrgghhhh!! It's awesome! So since he has his new I-Phone, I get to use his smartphone - Samsung SGH something. It's slim (to my liking) and kinda wide but it works very well (so far :P) and it's like using a computer, really. I have to get use to it. It's a bit confusing - can't find certain functions but I guess given time, I'll be using it well.

What's going to happen with my N71? Selling it off! I'm done with N series, in fact I'm done with Nokia for now!!

It's Jimmy's last day at work today so all of us had breakfast this morning. Met up with the rest at Pappa and had breakfast, took some pics and now here I am in the office. Will be leaving soon... I didn't get enough sleep. Dad and Eddie came home around 2ish from visiting my granduncle whose wife passed away last evening. It's another shock to all of us as it was just a few weeks ago that they came over to visit me and my father. Grandaunt was looking good - granduncle was the one that wasn't feeling too good but turned out, my grandaunt left first... it's funny how God works, hey?

Well, I'm off to play some cards with these outrageous people!

xoxo

Stages of Grief

I think about what happened on 22/12/07 often. I thought I have accepted my loss but I haven't. I am still in denial and at times, I feel so angry for what happened. I keep telling myself if only I spent more time with her or if only there were signs that she was leaving us, I would have stopped her from going - which was, of course, impossible. Then, I went into depression - didn't feel like talking to or seeing anyone -- sometimes I still feel that way. Those are what Kubler-Ross discovered - stages of grief. For me, personally, I don't see it as stages... more of a cycle of grief.

I have surfed on grieving and as everyone has told me - there are 5 stages of grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

How long will it take to get through all these stages? It depends on the individual but I can tell you that I am not anywhere near the 5th cause I keep going in circles!

Honestly, I'm really messed up. I'm in between denial and anger. I have bargained but what's the point of it? I bargained that if I was a lot better in every way that I was - I would have not lost my mother but that didn't make sense to me. Then I told myself - I should change myself to be an even better person so that I won't lose anyone else in the future - but death is not in my hands (unless I ended up being a serial killer -- okay, not funny). I don't think I am ready for whatever that may come so that means I am far from acceptance stage.

When I bring up my mother - some feel offended by it. Why? People grief in different ways. Some go for retail therapy, cry over and over again or some have sex. Really! As for me, it helps me to reach out for support from others. I find comfort in talking about my late mother - the memories I have of her. I tried almost everything from talking about her to keeping myself busy but I still feel greatly about my loss. So yes, it takes time but some people around me just don't get that. They don't get that I am not over it -- it is something I will never get over. It doesn't get easier! It is hard for me.

I mean... come on, how am I going to get through Ramadhan without her? How am I going to get through our birthdays?! Yes, I still have my father, siblings, BF and friends but it isn't the same because I share my birthday with her. Okay, not the same day but a day apart is hard enough already!

There was a time when I didn't want to talk about my late mother at all but that made me even more sad than better. Yes, I thought it would make feel better by not talking about her - oh boy! Was I wrong!!

With her gone, I feel cheated out of time. What will happen to all the things we planned to do together? It wouldn't be the same doing them with someone else. People will say "Oh please, it will be the same" -- you have no idea what you're talking about! It WILL NOT be the same.

Now I am getting angry and upset. It's just not fair!!! I see people out there who do not take good care of their parents but their parents are still around and still love their ungrateful children - yes I know what I am talking about here!

I need therapy!

Just another day?

I woke up feeling lost. I think I had a dream. I can't remember what it was about but I know it had something to do with food - which is not a good thing. Old folks tale is that it means that the dreamer is going to be extremely sick.

Ditto.

I was very quiet on the way to work which I don't think that's anything new to my father. Got to work and I already felt worse.

Jace came to work and we headed out for lunch. Didn't eat much although I was hungry. I didn't talk much although I felt like there is so much that I want to tell her but I couldn't bring myself to tell her. I'm not sure why but the thought of being a burden to someone doesn't sound too appealing. I think that is one of the reasons why I don't tell anyone anything much.

Yes they offer their ears but you can tell the ones that just say it for the sake of being nice and those who actually mean it when they utter those words.

I'm not asking for pity. No one will understand my feelings, why I am feeling this way until you're in my shoes. Maybe you're the bigger and better person so you will have it easy... but not everyone is like you.

Depression

I've been having a rough a week - more so during the CNY break. I had my grandmother and relatives visiting for the week. Grandmother had hurtful things to say as to why we didn't bury my late mother in her hometown - why didn't we take my late mother's body to gram's place for people to pay their last respect etc - we had our reasons for doing what we did. Would we be able to visit my late mother if we buried her in Penang? No, we wouldn't be and we would all be very miserable. We are the ones that are the closest to her. The only thing I can think of why she's being that way or mean is because of how she treated my late mother and sisters. Not something that I would like to disclose but really, enough already with the drama and let it be. We have done the best we could for my late mother. Just stop with the nagging and putting us down especially my father. He does not deserve it even if you think he does.

This is all taking a toll on me. I have just been so down and still am. I feel so depressed. My grandaunt was admitted last Sunday. She was in the ER when my father and I arrived. It brought back painful memories - it felt as if I was there yet once again with my family around me - waiting for the news from the doctor. It felt claustrophobic. I couldn't breathe and it felt as if the walls were closing on me. I was fearful. I had to hold back my tears as I didn't want to make a scene and definitely didn't want to cry in front of my father and relatives.

I called my brothers and told them where I was. I told one of them how I felt - that I was missing mother and it was painful for me. The feedback I received was "Oh okay". Thanks. I called a few friends and none were available. I just wanted to talk to someone. I'm just different. I move on by talking about my fears. I move forward by talking about my late mother - how wonderful she was and everything else. I just wanted someone to talk to! Everyone says "just call me if you need to talk" - THAT'S FCUKING BS! That's what it is!

I feel so depressed that I browsed the Net for some info. I took a test online by a psychiatrist. Surprise surprise - I am going through major depression. I don't know what I am going to do about that. I really don't.

Apologize - One Republic

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize.... it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize.... it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new
I loved you with a fire red -
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize.... it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize.... it's too late

It's too late to apologize.... it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize.... it's too late
It's too late to apologize... yeah
I said it's too late to apologize... yeah
I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...


One of the songs on repeat on my MP3 *smile*

- Babygirl

Cloverfield and more

I went to watch 'Cloverfield' yesterday afternoon. My brother's friend kept telling us how good the movie was - as good as LOTR - and that got me very interested so I decided to watch it on my day off.

First of all let me state that 'Cloverfield' is NOTHING like LOTR and it wasn't even close but it was good! I would watch it again but I might not because it is from a first person's perspective so it gives you a bit of a headache with the camera shaking and toppling!

The monster (like I told my friend, they should call it an 'alien' instead) is very alien-like. The ending was good - it left you wanting for more, well at least for me it did that. I thought there was more to it (not going to spoil you people) and when it ended I was like... "WTH?! That was it" - aahh but good movie nonetheless!

One or two actors would be familiar to some of you but the rest are pretty much either newcomers or maybe they are just not good looking people for me to notice in other movies they have acted in. Who knows.

I went to watch it alone and also, had lunch alone and everything else by myself. Do I sound pathetic? Do you think I care?!

Came home with a box of delicious but sinful cupcakes! I bought a dozen and ended up eating only one so brought the rest to Ezy's when we had dinner there.

I have noticed a lot lately whenever I am out that there is a lot of inter-racial marriages here. You don't get too many Malay ladies with White men - I think because White prefers Chinese or Indians but lately, I see a lot of Malay ladies with White guys. I saw a couple at a cafe near my office the other day - I can't say that they are good looking couple but their son is SOOO adorable! He's going to be a heartbreaker, that tiny one! He smiled at me and waved goodbye.... sigh - soooo cute!

Sandy is going to have beautiful babies when she marries Brian *smile*. I bet you're going to get married sooner than I am!!

Exhausting and annoying day...

Left home around 11am and reached HQ around 11:15am. Met Jace there, got the bills from Terence and left for the police station in Kota Damansara.

We were told that it was easier for them if we reported it in Malay - yeah, easy for you - hard for me! When it comes to formal Malay, I am soooo bad at it!! I can't form a full sentence and I can't say it full without sounding like a total retard! I am not proud of it although I do speak Malay well - not very well but people can understand my Malay but they will laugh. *frown*

During my typing out the report, the policeman in charge had a few Qs:

Policeman : Istella.... are you Malay?
Me : Yes, I am....
Policeman : Islam?
Me : Yeesss..... (with a puzzled look on my face)

Jace looked at me - with a screwed up look on her face. Didn't it state on my ID that I am both Malay and Islam?! Just because I don't look like one does not mean I am not one!!! Ggggrrr.... I get that all the time. ALL THE TIME!

So after we were done, we were told to go to Mutiara Damansara to see an Inspector who is charged of investigation so off we went!

We had to bloody wait for him - for about an hour! Jace and I entertained each other by acting out scenes of investigations and interrogations done in the movies. I told her if we ever needed to interrogate someone - I'd be the one throwing the chair around! I just love throwing things around. I can't afford to do that with my things cause... well, they are mine and expensive. LOL. Oh but I do remember the day my mother passed away, I got home from Penang and when I got into the shower - I couldn't take the damn lid off from my shower gel. I was so frustrated and also angry for what happened so I threw the shower gel bottle and it crashed! Felt really good afterward.

So after the Inspector came - which was a big Singh fella - friendly and well, funny. We were pretty scared of him when he made call to the man who was in charge of our cleaners at the office. All went well and our case is under investigation.

I will have to go over to Digi Centre tomorrow to discuss with them about the bill. I hope that won't take long!

An eventful day? NOT!

Work was quite hectic today but nothing out of the ordinary. We received call from HQ requesting us to be there on Mon at 11:30am. It turned out to be that they received our Digi phone bill and the amount came up to MYR400, all calls were made to Indonesia. Then we figured - it must have been the cleaner that took our company's cellphone during the when Jace was on vacation and I was on compassionate leave (which turned out to be the Company had no such thing - go figure!).

So over the phone we were asked "Who's going to pay for the bill?" - huh? Look, I for one - will not be paying any amount for calls I clearly did not make. If they asked us to pay, I'm gonna give them a check... a reality check!