Time

It has been bugging me. This bug. More like issue. I don't have a lot of friends to talk to about this. I feel strongly for MSHM. I know he feels the same way. Not sure as strongly but I know he does.

Lately, I have been thinking more and more about marriage and having kids. I have never wanted kids. I know, I know - never say never. See what I want now?? The thing is, I do not want kids before this is because I have this issue where I think I will not make a good mother. But how does one know that, right? Sometimes it is just your gut feeling. I have babysat before and I like it. Although they're my nieces so that does not really count but hey, to me it does. I still had to feed them, put them to sleep... only the part where their diapers need to be changed, I hand them over to my mother. Oh and also when they start bawling. See - I wouldn't make a good mother!!! Then why do I want kids?

I think it has something to do with the fact that I am so in love with MSHM. It's crazy. Our r/ship is complicated and heaven knows how it will turn out but for now, all I want is to make it work. I think being with him made me want to have kids. Don't get me wrong, my ex was (is) a great guy and we talked about having kids before but of course, he's my ex now so that didn't work out. We planned to get married but hey, his mother changed her perception of me, thanks to that third person!!

I am so happy with MSHM. He's amazing. He makes me laugh. The oldest I have gotten involved with and it's great that even with his age, he is silly. Gosh, I haven't felt this way for a very long time and it makes me feel oh-so-great and I do not want this feeling to go away but rationally, it will. Why? Because of the situation we're in...