I just had the worst morning ever this week! I think the worst morning ever for months! I didn't sleep well - in fact, no sleep at all - when I finally dozed off, the alarm went off. I wanted to come in late to work today but with the guests visiting, that would be impossible. Well, possible if my partner in crime was not on medical leave. So I had to be at work by 11:30am as the guests are coming at 12:00pm.
I looked at myself in the mirror and I looked horrible! Eye-bags and my eyes were puffy. What a sight! Took a shower, got myself ready and went downstairs. Greeted my parents and in return, I was greeted by QN with a big sloppy kiss! Aaahhh.. what a way to start my morning - and I do mean it in a good way! I thought to myself - okay, this is going to be a good morning for me! Yippee! So had coffee and mummy was hovering over me to eat my breakfast but really, I wasn't in the mood for anything except coffee.
As I was putting my things together, I realised that my office keys are not with me. I must have left it in the office. I was right. So with MPIC on medical leave, I was the only one available to open for the day. Huh... how the hell am I gonna get my keys when it's INSIDE the office?? I didn't panic - I rarely panic - so what I did was, I called AGM and arranged to meet him at the HQ to get his spare keys. That was settled. So daddy drove me to the airport, I mean to the HQ (where did the airport come from??) and I got there by 11:30am. From my house to the HQ is 10mins and from the HQ to my academy - 15mins. So I had time. Time was on my side, baby!! Oh yeah!!! So AGM and I exchanged some funnies and left for the academy. I'll get there on time. I just know I will get there in time.
Not!! It is so typical that at the time I am rushing, there was a massive traffic ahead. So to avoid getting into it, daddy decided to take another turn which turned out to be the wrong way. *smile*. I couldn't say anything because daddy is always right - no matter what! So I just sat in the quietly fuming. I can't say enough how pissed off I was. Not at daddy but at myself for not speaking up and told him that he got it the wrong way. Why didn't I? Well, I didn't want to make things worse by arguing with him and I really wasn't in the mood for another misunderstanding or whatever you call it.
We finally reached the academy at 12:10pm. I got out the car and daddy said "I'm sorry I made you late for work" and I know he meant it. So I got in, gave him a hug and told him, I'll be fine.
That would be the end of my horrible start of the day, right? No way. I unlocked the academy, got everything together and who came barging in? My big boss. He just had to tell me how the guests are already here earlier and went home because they waited too long. 10mins is a long wait but come on, it wasn't like I did for fun of being late. It's not something I decide as I wake up in the morning and think - "hey, let's be late today and just screw up the guests. Oooh.. that's a load of fun!!". Fine, I apologised - again after texting him earlier about being slightly late.
Then after the guests left (apparently, they didn't leave - they just went to have lunch at a nearby restaurant), he had asked me to do a notice which I had made a note about it. With all the other things happening and short of staff at that time, I was doing 3 things at once. When he asked for the notice - I was about to do it so I wasn't surprised when I was lectured about not doing things on time. I had lost my patience so I snapped at him. I can't be doing EVERYTHING at one time, you know. I'm so tired, upset, sleepy... I was overwhelmed with all sorts of emotions. He didn't have to add on to my feeling bad enough about being late.
I really hope my evening will turn out for the better. I really can't take it anymore. I'm almost on the verge of breaking down...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
My thoughts
Times sure have changed. Where commitment and values have evolved as limited priorities. Once upon a time, people really enjoyed each other. It was the simple pleasures that made commitment and value the highest of priorities. Spouses seemed to value each other and respect each other more in yesterday’s society than today.
Today’s world has become so materialistic that it seems that spouses in marriage have now become the object and are treated as such. Focus on growing together seems forgotten. Fast pace and changes in the world have no doubt created a hell of a lot more stress and striving to keep up with it all, thus everyone’s energy is pulled in all directions and becomes lost where it truly matters, in the family.
Sure! I do believe there are marriages that will survive and do make it to “death do us part” and are truly happy. I don’t feel in today’s world there are many. Not from all these posts I have read on a forum I frequent recently. It is very sad to read what these women and even some men are going through in their marriages.
Of all the couples I know, and there are many, it is very disheartening to hear their stories. Some that I know have been together for 25 –30 years and have openly said “it’s been a struggle” and we are not happy and have not been for years. Some have even said “I should have left a long time ago” and many have stated I stayed for the kids or financial reasons. Most have had affairs and some have not! Now they look back and view their life with their spouse as hauntingly frightening as retirement years approach. They dread the days to come of having their spouse as what they referred to as “a piece of the furniture” because they said their feelings have died and cannot be recovered.
No wonder some of my friends, even myself at one point dread the idea of getting married. Even my third brother hated the idea but hey, when he met his wife - he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and I can really see that happening between the two of them. It saddens me that those people I know who are going through a rough time in their marriages don't have what my brothers and some of my relatives have. My ex's parents' marriage was arranged by their families and it turned out well. They are still together after 30 years. My parents married each other for almost 40 years now and they have gone through a lot. They worked through their rough times and that is what I want in my marriage.
I was told that feelings change and so do people. I get that. I really do but there is also people who do not change and that includes their feelings. I don't change easily. My feelings usually stay the same. Only if my man hurt me in ways that I cannot forgive that my feelings for him will change then and even that, it will take almost forever!
I read a lot today on relationships/marriages and such. Now, I have never been the one to talk or discuss certain issues because I dislike it. For me, every time a certain issue is being discussed, it will end up in a big argument or it will lead to a misunderstanding. That is where I am wrong. With discussing matters with your loved one, you make your relationship with your partner a better one. Okay so I didn't exactly learned THAT part today, I actually learned it in Cape Town. *smile*. It's just that, after my trip to CT - I realised (today, in fact) that I have somewhat changed my perceptions on a lot of things. Like I said, I am never the one to discuss but I feel it's important now to let out your feelings or dissatisfatcion on things. I have become more alive now that I have it out in the open. I am more comfortable now talking to my mother after my trip. She's more understanding of the situation and is supportive of me.
Today’s world has become so materialistic that it seems that spouses in marriage have now become the object and are treated as such. Focus on growing together seems forgotten. Fast pace and changes in the world have no doubt created a hell of a lot more stress and striving to keep up with it all, thus everyone’s energy is pulled in all directions and becomes lost where it truly matters, in the family.
Sure! I do believe there are marriages that will survive and do make it to “death do us part” and are truly happy. I don’t feel in today’s world there are many. Not from all these posts I have read on a forum I frequent recently. It is very sad to read what these women and even some men are going through in their marriages.
Of all the couples I know, and there are many, it is very disheartening to hear their stories. Some that I know have been together for 25 –30 years and have openly said “it’s been a struggle” and we are not happy and have not been for years. Some have even said “I should have left a long time ago” and many have stated I stayed for the kids or financial reasons. Most have had affairs and some have not! Now they look back and view their life with their spouse as hauntingly frightening as retirement years approach. They dread the days to come of having their spouse as what they referred to as “a piece of the furniture” because they said their feelings have died and cannot be recovered.
No wonder some of my friends, even myself at one point dread the idea of getting married. Even my third brother hated the idea but hey, when he met his wife - he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and I can really see that happening between the two of them. It saddens me that those people I know who are going through a rough time in their marriages don't have what my brothers and some of my relatives have. My ex's parents' marriage was arranged by their families and it turned out well. They are still together after 30 years. My parents married each other for almost 40 years now and they have gone through a lot. They worked through their rough times and that is what I want in my marriage.
I was told that feelings change and so do people. I get that. I really do but there is also people who do not change and that includes their feelings. I don't change easily. My feelings usually stay the same. Only if my man hurt me in ways that I cannot forgive that my feelings for him will change then and even that, it will take almost forever!
I read a lot today on relationships/marriages and such. Now, I have never been the one to talk or discuss certain issues because I dislike it. For me, every time a certain issue is being discussed, it will end up in a big argument or it will lead to a misunderstanding. That is where I am wrong. With discussing matters with your loved one, you make your relationship with your partner a better one. Okay so I didn't exactly learned THAT part today, I actually learned it in Cape Town. *smile*. It's just that, after my trip to CT - I realised (today, in fact) that I have somewhat changed my perceptions on a lot of things. Like I said, I am never the one to discuss but I feel it's important now to let out your feelings or dissatisfatcion on things. I have become more alive now that I have it out in the open. I am more comfortable now talking to my mother after my trip. She's more understanding of the situation and is supportive of me.
I left my heart in Cape Town
It was a lovely morning when I arrived in Cape Town. Flight was early so instead of arriving at 07:35, I arrived 35mins earlier. I guess I wasn't the only one that was excited about visiting Cape Town!
Mr. Brahm picked me up around 07:40, if I was not mistaken. Went straight to Jabulani Guest House and on my way over, MSHM called. Told me he'd meet me at Jabulani and I was ecstatic! Seriously, I had a big smile on my face. I thought to myself on the way over that I'd greet him with a hug... yeah - good idea...
So when I got to the guest house, got out of the car - I was talking to Mr. Brahm then I heard a familiar deep sexy voice. I froze. Turned around and saw this really gorgeous man standing behind me. Yup - MSHM! Out of reflex, what I did was shook his hand. Oh yeah, you read it right. I bloody shook his hand!!! OMG! I so wanted to die. LOL. Aahh.. what a moment. It's something Amanda Peet would do to Ashton Kutcher kinda movie, you know. But noooo... it happened to me. Geez... way to go, blondie! I told my mother, SILs and Amir that part and they all said "awww... that is sooo 'comel'!!" - yeah yeah... 'comel' when it happens to someone else!
Anyway, what happened after that left me with warm fuzzy feeling. *smile*. Oh yeah, the guest house is lovely! Very homely and comfy. It reminded me of a house we used to live in. It was in Kelana Jaya and the compound was huge with lots of plants, flowers, trees around the block.. the garden was my mother's favourite evening hang out. And morning too. She just loves plants and flowers. Obsessed with them! My father was influenced as well and every evening, when I come out of my room - the first place I look for for them was out at the garden. So in a way, I missed that home. In fact, I missed the whole neighbourhood although people are pretty snobbish (yeah me too - lol) over on that side of my home. Back to the guest house, the owner has a dog. Freaking huge dog. I have seen a huger dog but not up close and personal like Lady. She's huge. And loud. What more could I say about Lady?
The guest house is situated in Durbanville. It's like Bangsar. Only Bangsar has huge shopping malls. Bangsar is actually bigger than Durbanville and way too many snobs around - *smile*. What's in common between those two is the greenery around the town. So full of trees. Durbanville is filled with good looking people. Be it young, old, single, married.. you name it. Every corner, there's a good looking girl or guy. I appreciate all the beauty in life has to offer because I am a typical Libra. I only like the finest things in life. With that said, I guess I like where I was because it is a beautiful place. It's simple but there's just something about that town and I can't quite put a finger to it. Of course the fact that MSHM was nearby helped. *big smile*. The buildings around the area is superb. Old fashioned type of houses and buildings. Classic. That's one of the reasons why I liked that place a lot. I love modern architecture but old classic ones are just so beautiful. So full of life and with them being old, a lot of stories behind it all. That is why I love history (although I failed most of the time - *smile*).
I have a lot more to write but at the moment, it's all private thoughts of mine. I'm dying to put it out here. Sometimes, when you have something in your mind and you write it down, it becomes clearer or more real to you. But then again, this blog is being read by people who know me personally and I really don't care what these people think but some of these people I know, tend to use what I have written in the past against me. In a way, I'm afraid that they might come out and hurt those I really care about. That is why I do not use real names for these people I have written about but with some of my so-called crazy friends I know, they will find a way to get back to me through my loved ones and have this ability to dig up on everything. The last thing I want is to hurt my loved ones.
So I might just edit a few things around here before I write down what I have in mind. Maybe I will just write it down in my personal diary but oh geez.. I just hate writing right now. It's painful. I have not written in a long time and gosh, my handwriting sucks! Okay now I am rambling so I better stop now before I start rambling nonsense!
Mr. Brahm picked me up around 07:40, if I was not mistaken. Went straight to Jabulani Guest House and on my way over, MSHM called. Told me he'd meet me at Jabulani and I was ecstatic! Seriously, I had a big smile on my face. I thought to myself on the way over that I'd greet him with a hug... yeah - good idea...
So when I got to the guest house, got out of the car - I was talking to Mr. Brahm then I heard a familiar deep sexy voice. I froze. Turned around and saw this really gorgeous man standing behind me. Yup - MSHM! Out of reflex, what I did was shook his hand. Oh yeah, you read it right. I bloody shook his hand!!! OMG! I so wanted to die. LOL. Aahh.. what a moment. It's something Amanda Peet would do to Ashton Kutcher kinda movie, you know. But noooo... it happened to me. Geez... way to go, blondie! I told my mother, SILs and Amir that part and they all said "awww... that is sooo 'comel'!!" - yeah yeah... 'comel' when it happens to someone else!
Anyway, what happened after that left me with warm fuzzy feeling. *smile*. Oh yeah, the guest house is lovely! Very homely and comfy. It reminded me of a house we used to live in. It was in Kelana Jaya and the compound was huge with lots of plants, flowers, trees around the block.. the garden was my mother's favourite evening hang out. And morning too. She just loves plants and flowers. Obsessed with them! My father was influenced as well and every evening, when I come out of my room - the first place I look for for them was out at the garden. So in a way, I missed that home. In fact, I missed the whole neighbourhood although people are pretty snobbish (yeah me too - lol) over on that side of my home. Back to the guest house, the owner has a dog. Freaking huge dog. I have seen a huger dog but not up close and personal like Lady. She's huge. And loud. What more could I say about Lady?
The guest house is situated in Durbanville. It's like Bangsar. Only Bangsar has huge shopping malls. Bangsar is actually bigger than Durbanville and way too many snobs around - *smile*. What's in common between those two is the greenery around the town. So full of trees. Durbanville is filled with good looking people. Be it young, old, single, married.. you name it. Every corner, there's a good looking girl or guy. I appreciate all the beauty in life has to offer because I am a typical Libra. I only like the finest things in life. With that said, I guess I like where I was because it is a beautiful place. It's simple but there's just something about that town and I can't quite put a finger to it. Of course the fact that MSHM was nearby helped. *big smile*. The buildings around the area is superb. Old fashioned type of houses and buildings. Classic. That's one of the reasons why I liked that place a lot. I love modern architecture but old classic ones are just so beautiful. So full of life and with them being old, a lot of stories behind it all. That is why I love history (although I failed most of the time - *smile*).
I have a lot more to write but at the moment, it's all private thoughts of mine. I'm dying to put it out here. Sometimes, when you have something in your mind and you write it down, it becomes clearer or more real to you. But then again, this blog is being read by people who know me personally and I really don't care what these people think but some of these people I know, tend to use what I have written in the past against me. In a way, I'm afraid that they might come out and hurt those I really care about. That is why I do not use real names for these people I have written about but with some of my so-called crazy friends I know, they will find a way to get back to me through my loved ones and have this ability to dig up on everything. The last thing I want is to hurt my loved ones.
So I might just edit a few things around here before I write down what I have in mind. Maybe I will just write it down in my personal diary but oh geez.. I just hate writing right now. It's painful. I have not written in a long time and gosh, my handwriting sucks! Okay now I am rambling so I better stop now before I start rambling nonsense!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Songs that represent certain situation
"In this crazy life.. through this crazy times, it's you.. it's you.. you make me sing, you're every line, you're every word.. you're everything!"
I love that song! Every morning I wake up to that song. Actually, as soon as I open my eyes - I'd get my cell and put the song on. It just brightens my morning even more. It's a song that makes you smile and have a good feeling early in the morning and really, I do have good days when I listen to that song first thing in the morning. It is also because that song just spells out MSHM.
Another song that I can relate to - not so much right now - is 'Pieces Don't Fit Anymore' (it should've come out years ago!) which is also Wafi's favourite song. It's a song about how one feels about a r/ship that is not working out anymore and whatever you do, no matter how hard you try to make things better - it just doesn't or can't get better because the pieces just don't fit anymore.
Oh and another one by James Morrison - 'You Give Me Something' - wow! That song says it all! Wait... that song would be number two, number one would be 'Lost Without You' by Robin Thicke which is pretty old song to me since it came out last year but only showing on TV here recently. That song - it's so good! It makes you want to have a good time with your SO. *wink*
Okay so it's about 20:34 here now and I am counting the seconds till I get my arse off this chair and head home! I'm so sleepy - couldn't sleep well last night due to my 1+ year old niece who kept crying every now and then!
I'll be off from work tomorrow. That is good because I need to get my passport done. I'm getting pretty excited but trying very hard to refrain myself from feeling TOO excited because every time I get too excited about something - it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to! Typical!
I love that song! Every morning I wake up to that song. Actually, as soon as I open my eyes - I'd get my cell and put the song on. It just brightens my morning even more. It's a song that makes you smile and have a good feeling early in the morning and really, I do have good days when I listen to that song first thing in the morning. It is also because that song just spells out MSHM.
Another song that I can relate to - not so much right now - is 'Pieces Don't Fit Anymore' (it should've come out years ago!) which is also Wafi's favourite song. It's a song about how one feels about a r/ship that is not working out anymore and whatever you do, no matter how hard you try to make things better - it just doesn't or can't get better because the pieces just don't fit anymore.
Oh and another one by James Morrison - 'You Give Me Something' - wow! That song says it all! Wait... that song would be number two, number one would be 'Lost Without You' by Robin Thicke which is pretty old song to me since it came out last year but only showing on TV here recently. That song - it's so good! It makes you want to have a good time with your SO. *wink*
Okay so it's about 20:34 here now and I am counting the seconds till I get my arse off this chair and head home! I'm so sleepy - couldn't sleep well last night due to my 1+ year old niece who kept crying every now and then!
I'll be off from work tomorrow. That is good because I need to get my passport done. I'm getting pretty excited but trying very hard to refrain myself from feeling TOO excited because every time I get too excited about something - it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to! Typical!
Resistance
Something I am not good at! Lol. If I tried hard enough, I know I could resist a lot of things. Heck - let me rephrase that! I CAN resist a lot of things/men/women but not when it comes to MSHM, chocolates (depends on the time of the month), cats!!! Oh boy!! Cats - I'd choose cats over chocolates! No, I don't eat cats, I love playing with them. I know MSHM likes to play with this one particular kitty. LOL.
Enough about that. I called Ezy this afternoon to inform him of my trip to CT. He was very surprised (told him months ago about my plan!) and asked lots of questions (typical). That wasn't the issue during the phone conversation. It was more about what he said about dad. I mean - seriously, let go already! It just upsets me that he or sometimes, Eddie and El just can't see dad the way I see him. I think it's because I am always with him and mum. I know they get him, they KNOW him but really, if you really KNOW someone, you'd be able to read them already and LET IT GO. Especially parents. That's just them. They are old. They are suppose to act certain ways when they get older. Geez.. you're all gonna get there pretty soon! Not so soon but you will get there... I know it will crush my dad if I told him what Ezy said but I'm not even gonna mention anything because I have had enough of this family drama. Seriously, if you really want to fix things with dad, fix your wife first. Her attitude especially. Freaking pisses me off!!
Enough about that. I called Ezy this afternoon to inform him of my trip to CT. He was very surprised (told him months ago about my plan!) and asked lots of questions (typical). That wasn't the issue during the phone conversation. It was more about what he said about dad. I mean - seriously, let go already! It just upsets me that he or sometimes, Eddie and El just can't see dad the way I see him. I think it's because I am always with him and mum. I know they get him, they KNOW him but really, if you really KNOW someone, you'd be able to read them already and LET IT GO. Especially parents. That's just them. They are old. They are suppose to act certain ways when they get older. Geez.. you're all gonna get there pretty soon! Not so soon but you will get there... I know it will crush my dad if I told him what Ezy said but I'm not even gonna mention anything because I have had enough of this family drama. Seriously, if you really want to fix things with dad, fix your wife first. Her attitude especially. Freaking pisses me off!!
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Time
It has been bugging me. This bug. More like issue. I don't have a lot of friends to talk to about this. I feel strongly for MSHM. I know he feels the same way. Not sure as strongly but I know he does.
Lately, I have been thinking more and more about marriage and having kids. I have never wanted kids. I know, I know - never say never. See what I want now?? The thing is, I do not want kids before this is because I have this issue where I think I will not make a good mother. But how does one know that, right? Sometimes it is just your gut feeling. I have babysat before and I like it. Although they're my nieces so that does not really count but hey, to me it does. I still had to feed them, put them to sleep... only the part where their diapers need to be changed, I hand them over to my mother. Oh and also when they start bawling. See - I wouldn't make a good mother!!! Then why do I want kids?
I think it has something to do with the fact that I am so in love with MSHM. It's crazy. Our r/ship is complicated and heaven knows how it will turn out but for now, all I want is to make it work. I think being with him made me want to have kids. Don't get me wrong, my ex was (is) a great guy and we talked about having kids before but of course, he's my ex now so that didn't work out. We planned to get married but hey, his mother changed her perception of me, thanks to that third person!!
I am so happy with MSHM. He's amazing. He makes me laugh. The oldest I have gotten involved with and it's great that even with his age, he is silly. Gosh, I haven't felt this way for a very long time and it makes me feel oh-so-great and I do not want this feeling to go away but rationally, it will. Why? Because of the situation we're in...
Lately, I have been thinking more and more about marriage and having kids. I have never wanted kids. I know, I know - never say never. See what I want now?? The thing is, I do not want kids before this is because I have this issue where I think I will not make a good mother. But how does one know that, right? Sometimes it is just your gut feeling. I have babysat before and I like it. Although they're my nieces so that does not really count but hey, to me it does. I still had to feed them, put them to sleep... only the part where their diapers need to be changed, I hand them over to my mother. Oh and also when they start bawling. See - I wouldn't make a good mother!!! Then why do I want kids?
I think it has something to do with the fact that I am so in love with MSHM. It's crazy. Our r/ship is complicated and heaven knows how it will turn out but for now, all I want is to make it work. I think being with him made me want to have kids. Don't get me wrong, my ex was (is) a great guy and we talked about having kids before but of course, he's my ex now so that didn't work out. We planned to get married but hey, his mother changed her perception of me, thanks to that third person!!
I am so happy with MSHM. He's amazing. He makes me laugh. The oldest I have gotten involved with and it's great that even with his age, he is silly. Gosh, I haven't felt this way for a very long time and it makes me feel oh-so-great and I do not want this feeling to go away but rationally, it will. Why? Because of the situation we're in...
